Joshua's Home.

We picked up Joshua on Saturday morning and have had a blast avoiding our phones, laptops and pretty much everything but our four and no more for the last couple days. I don't really have anything wise or introspective looking back at the last 13 months. This deployment was hard. It sucked. There were some good things that came from it too but mostly I'm just glad it's over. My husband is home and safe. There are 14 families that won't have the joy of homecoming that we were blessed to have. 


* Second Lt. Jered W. Ewy, 33, of Edmond, on June 29
* Spc. Augustus J. Vicari, 22, of Broken Arrow, on July 29
* Staff Sgt. Kirk Avery Owen, 37, of Sapulpa, on Aug. 2
* Sgt. Anthony Del Mar Peterson, 24, of Chelsea, on Aug. 4
* Second Lt. Joe L. Cunningham, 27, of Kingston, on Aug. 13
* Lt. Damon Leehan, 30, of Moore, on Aug. 14
* Spc. Joshua Michael Seals, 21, of Porter, on Aug. 16
* Pfc. Tony J. Potter Jr., 20, of Okmulgee, on Sept. 9
* Spc. Christopher D. Horton, 26, of Collinsville, on Sept. 9
* Sgt. Bret D. Isenhower, 26, of Lamar, on Sept. 9
* Sgt. Mycal L. Prince, 28, of Minco, on Sept. 15
* Spc. Francisco J. Briseno-Alvarez Jr., 27, of Oklahoma City, on Sept. 25
* Pfc. Sarina Butcher, 19, of Checotah, on Nov. 1
* Spc. Chris Gailey, 26, of Ochelata, on Nov. 1 


We will never forget their sacrifice.

Waiting for the buses...

The buses were an hour late...it was rough

Ok...he's more choking than hugging here

So excited!

He's back.

We were ready to get out of there!

Up and Down

Without going into details that may cross that ever important OPSEC line, the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. We've been given dates and locations...had those dates and locations changed...and changed...and changed. STUPID BROKEN PLANES. Most of it was expected...but no less stressful. I finally gave up yesterday, went to the store and bought a 6-pack and cookie dough which I plan to eat in it's entirety without baking (no judgments please). Between that and the retail therapy...I had to buy some new unmentionables...I'm surviving the pre-homecoming jitters. Speaking of buying those fun little clothes, after I dropped off the boy for a playdate, I discovered I should have found someone to watch the girl also because every time I tried something on, she thought it was time to nurse which of course slowed the whole process down dramatically.


Anyway, I don't have this week's Disney post ready and I just don't have the time or mental clarity to work on it so I'm skipping this week. Sorry. I promise that I'll have the first half of the Disney Deluxe Resorts done and ready for you next week...we're going to cover the monorail resorts first because those are often the ones people think of when they think of Disney Resorts.


Here's hoping that I'll have pics to post soon of our family together again.

Anniversary

Normally, I'm not one to post twice in a day but I was looking at the calendar and it dawned on me that Joshua left for deployment a year ago today. He left for training and although we saw him for a few days in March and the boy saw him again in June for a few days (I was too pregnant to travel) before he left the country, it's been a year since he's lived at home. I don't really know what to say and I'm not entirely certain why I thought I should blog about it which is odd for me because I usually only blog when I have a clear idea in mind or I need to vent. Neither is the case today. I'm not upset by the fact that it's been a year. I don't have any pearls of wisdom. It just seemed like it was something that shouldn't go by without at least an acknowledgement. It has been both the hardest year of my life but not entirely bad. I feel closer to Joshua than before he left. We have a beautiful daughter who was born healthy and happy. Our son is thriving. I feel weird saying it but it's been a good year. Of course, every single good moment was bitter sweet. It's been a year. We're almost done.

Today.

Normally I'm not a fan of just whining blog posts but yeah, basically this is just going to be a big ol' vent about today because today kicked my butt.

Today...

I had my annual lady exam...that's always fun.

I found out I'm anemic. Again.

I tried to take a nap...failed.

The boy broke a window. I knew it was only a matter of time but really I thought he'd be a little older than three and a half. Thankfully, it was our window and so I don't have to pay for someone else's window AND bake something as an apology for my crazy child. In his defense, it wasn't malicious and I'm actually pretty impressed with his engineering abilities but that's a pretty long story in and of itself. Anyway, I bought some plastic and tape and did the best I could to "fix" it until I either have someone come and replace it or Joshua comes home and does it himself. Thankfully it was just a smaller window in an alcove in his room that faces the backyard.

The girl was running a low grade fever all day and not napping...whether from a vaccine yesterday or teething I have no idea (please no emails or comments on the merits or evils of vaccines...we've made our choices and we respect yours whatever they are).

After hours of low grade fever/no napping delirium, I decided to give the girl a little tylenol. I opened it in the kitchen, measured the correct amount and since the boy was napping upstairs, I left the bottle open and unattended to take it to the girl. On my way back to the kitchen to clean up and put the medicine away, I stopped at the bathroom which apparently gave our dog just enough time to knock the bottle over and lick up what I estimate to be about a tablespoon of children's tylenol. 

Called the vet...for the second time this week...a couple days ago he ate almost my entire box of Tagalong Girl Scout cookies...it's a miracle he's still alive today because they're my favorites and they were my last box. He'll also survive the tylenol and the vet said he didn't need to see him which is good because I'm pretty sure if I had to take the dog into the vet today after everything else, I would have had a total breakdown. 

Yeah. So, venting session over. Thanks for listening. Next post will be much less whiny I promise.

My Heart Skips A Beat

I hadn't planned on blogging today but this morning I woke up with a migraine that has made it almost impossible to do even the easiest of things. I'm not focusing well (I apologize in advance for the inevitable typos to come), I'm nauseous and have no appetite. All of which has lead to heart palpitations. Don't worry. It's normal...for me.


When I get dehydrated, overly hungry, eat too much sugar or any of about a dozen other triggers, I have palpitations. A simple head cold like what I assume I'm experiencing now can bring it all on. I have what's called SVT...or super ventricular tachycardia. Sexy, right?! In a nutshell, the electrical current is messed up and my heart skips beats, it also speeds up and pumps before it actually has a chance to fill with blood...which hurts. It's not so debilitating that I have to go to the hospital...not normally at least. There are tricks to reverse the tachycardia and ways to avoid defribulation. It's not generally considered a life-threatening condition in and of itself. It is a giant pain in the butt when I'm pregnant (which of course I'm not) but more than anything on deployment days like today, it makes me miss my husband.


He doesn't baby me when I have "an episode." He doesn't ignore me either. He knows what will make it better and he knows that I hate it. I hate being weak. I hate being broken. But most of all I hate that I did it to myself. I don't talk about it much because it's literally my heart and it's difficult to admit. I damaged my heart by not eating. Anorexia. It's not a word I like to use because it congers up images of bony, damaged girls. I'm healthy now...well, apart from my heart. I eat. I love to eat. I still don't always see myself the way I should but it doesn't stop me from making healthy choices. It's just another thing that's easier when Joshua's home. Really everything is easier. I'm more myself when I'm with him. I'm more confident. I can relax. Ironically, one of the tips my cardiologists have repeated over the years is to meditate and relax as much as possible because stress only aggravates the condition. I try but honestly, I won't fully be able to relax until he's home. He's my best friend. He makes my heart skip a beat in a good way and I miss him.


So, today, while everyone is enjoying their chocolates (and other caffeinated, overly sugary yummy stupid things that I can't have-no bitterness really) and holding their husbands, I'm holding my breath (vagal maneuver) and waiting for mine to return. A year from now I hope I remember today. I hope I remember how lucky I will be to eat chocolate and hold Joshua.

Sprint: The Screw-You Now Network

A couple months ago I was having trouble with my phone...actually I had been having issues with the possessed piece of crap pretty much since the moment I bought it. You may remember me venting about it but if not, basically, I was eligible for an upgrade but then Sprint changed their policies and took the upgrade away and between Joshua and I we had nothing but TERRIBLE customer service.


The ONLY reason I stayed with Sprint was because our plan just worked so great for us and really switching companies and dealing with new phone numbers and early cancellation fees for three different lines (two phones and an internet card) that all had different contract time lines seemed like an even bigger (and very expensive) pain in the butt.


And then today...while taking a nap I got a text from Sprint directing me to their website because there was an announced coverage change. I ignored it and went back to sleep because what company lowers their coverage area? That's not what they do...they expand their networks. Right? Wrong.


Sprint, I have since learned, has sold many of their towers in Oklahoma and some in Kansas to Verizon. The map is unbelievable and if you live in Oklahoma or Kansas and have Sprint, you need to be aware of the new coverage maps that will take effect March 1st. As a result we LIVE in what is about to be a roaming area. This is a problem for a couple of reasons.


A-we get our internet from Sprint and the roaming data usage max is dramatically less than 3G usage
B-we already spend WAY too much money every month with Sprint and so any overage charges would honestly be insulting
C-READ THE FINE PRINT...under the terms and conditions with Sprint, although you may think, as I mistakenly did that you aren't charged for roaming, you are...well, you are if you reach your max...meaning there's a limited amount of roaming minutes and a limited amount of roaming data allowed per phone line-obviously living in a roaming area with a deployed husband, reaching that max is going to happen all. the. time so just dropping the internet card is not an option


So in the last hour and a half I've gone from napping to contacting Sprint to cancel all three of the lines on our contract. All were canceled without an early termination fee...you bet I talked my way up the ladder to get out of that because at this stage in each of the contracts (mine was JUST renewed!) it would have cost us $790! We still have service (month-to-month I guess is what it would be called) on all three lines until we find a new provider and can "port" our phone numbers over.


Now the big question is who do we sign up with? Verizon since they're taking over the towers? T-mobile-we've had a ton of friends recommend them but what's their coverage like? And how do I sign us up?-I'm a stay at home mom...meaning no income to my name. I do have a power of attorney for my husband but I would SO much rather wait for him to come home and deal with it. Of course we're going to have to buy new phones and otterboxes. There's going to be activation fees and blah blah blah. Yeah. I'm over it. So wish I was still napping.


PS>Joshua doesn't know any of it yet! Deployment makes life so weird.

Nightmares

Sunday night I had a nightmare. It wasn't a big deal really. Not even that terrifying necessarily. The thing is I have a huge fear of snakes. I've always hated them...I blame Eve. Seriously though, it didn't get better when I almost got bit by a rattlesnake while I was working and living at a backpacking ranch in New Mexico the summer after high school. I was only really saved because a friend of mine managed to push me out of the way. Anyway, there was a picture floating around facebook of a really big snake and since I'm so much of a visual person, it stuck with me and that night my dreams were filled with the giant snake.


I tossed and turned all night but I woke up and tried to brush it off. Monday night's krav maga class (a self-defense/fitness class that I recommend highly if you ever get the chance) was the perfect outlet for the stress. Only this week's class we did a drill that was difficult. There was the physically strenuous part that happens every week (my legs are still mush) but then there was a mental side to it. One of the things we did was choking drills...more accurately we worked on how to get out of a choke hold. I guess I have to back up. A long, long time ago I was on a date. It ended up being a bad situation that could have been a really bad situation. The class brought up feelings and memories that are painful and the only person I wanted to talk to about it has been unable to call or skype with me. So, I'm comforting myself with girl scout cookies and the knowledge that I did it. I fought through the class while maintaining my composure and I learned how to fight out of a choke hold. And two days later I haven't had any nightmares.

Reintegration

I'm staying VERY busy in anticipation of Joshua's return...it's still not so close I can feel it but I definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've talked about visiting friends in Nashville, Houston and El Paso. We've talked about a trip to Great Wolfe Lodge. We've talked about family bike rides and camping trips. We've mostly talked about just turning off the phones and computers and staying home. It's going to be great.


That said, I'm realizing more now what people mean when they talk about some of the difficulties of reintegration. I'm not worried at this point...just more aware. Today, the boy came to me and said that he was excited for Daddy to come home and sleep in the boy's room with him just like the girl sleeps with me now (I co-sleep with the baby because I'm nursing and it's just what works for us). He even pointed out the fact that he has a second bed just for Daddy (bunk beds that we separated). I was able to brush him off and say that's silly-baby girl sleeps with Mommy because she's a baby and he's a big boy. I tried to remind him about before Joshua left and how at R&R he had his own bed and we had our own bed. And then I told him about all the big boy things he and Daddy will do like fishing and buying a big boy bike but I worry that the sibling rivalry we've somehow miraculously avoided until now will make an appearance.


I'm a little anxious about what it will be like to actually be a family of four together. Other than R&R, we've never parented two children and since R&R was at Disney World, it wasn't exactly a real life experience (which is what we were going for at the time). I have zero doubts that Joshua will step up and be the amazing Dad to both kids that he's always been for the boy. Seriously, he's awesome and it's totally natural. Kind of annoying really. I majored in child development and was a nanny for years...to kids ranging from two weeks to twelve years and for families with one kid, triplets or in one case, ten kids (yeah, ten...T-E-N!) and yet, it's not uncommon for Joshua to teach me a thing or two about parenting. 


Like I said, I'm not really worried at this point, just more aware. I guess it's kind of like when you're pregnant and everyone decides that's the best time to start telling you all the pregnancy and birth horror stories they know. I've just been hearing some not so pleasant reintegration stories and I think I just need to treat them like I treated all the stories when I was pregnant. Ignore them. Prepare the best we can. Hope. Pray. And deal with whatever happens.

Sunday Morning

I miss our Sunday mornings. This morning I woke up to realize that there's a limited number of Sunday mornings left until Joshua gets home. Holding onto that fact...he's going to be home soon...is like holding onto a life preserver. We've made it over ten months now but it's been just "making it." It hasn't been the life we had before he left or the life we'll have when he returns. It's been an interim of survival. There have been happy moments and good memories but nothing compared to what a simple Sunday morning will be when he's home...

As the official night owl of the family, I'll sleep in and wake up to the sounds and smells of Joshua cooking the only meal which has always been his...homemade waffles, scrambled eggs and turkey bacon. The boy will no doubt be on a chair "helping" while our little princess will be in her high chair watching everything. I'll take two waffles but struggle to finish just one because as yummy as they are, I can never eat very much that early in the day. Joshua will laugh at me but then finish my plate without complaint. Then, he and I will snuggle on the couch and watch the CBS Sunday Morning News with Charles Osgood while the kids play (hopefully in another room...or quietly...both would be awesome but I'm trying to be realistic). We'll stay on the couch up until the last possible moment and then the madness will set in as we try to get dressed, get the kids dressed and make it on time to the late service at church.

It probably sounds boring to most people but it's one of the things I miss and look forward to most. In the meantime, the boy and I are having toaster strudels and pre-cut grapefruit for breakfast, I'm DVR-ing the Sunday Morning News and yet we're still going to have madness as I try to get dressed, get the kids dressed and make it on time to the late service at church.

Blog Interrupted

I planned on resuming my weekly Disney blog post today but alas, the flu has invaded our home and I didn't write this week's post ahead of time as I had intended so if anyone out there was looking forward to today's post, I apologize. I'll be back with the weekly Disney post next week...Disney World In The Rain-what you can do at Disney World when fun in the sun isn't an option. 

Here's hoping the kids and I will be able to return to the land of the living again soon. 

PS>sorry Joshua for the phone call last night. I didn't mean to be a total grinch...actually I was something else but it ends in "ch" too. We miss and love you to the moon and back.

Six Years Down...Fifty Four To Go

Six years ago I told my best friend I'd be with him forever...actually I specifically never used the word forever because I'm a commitment-phobe and the idea of forever gave me palpitations. Forever was of course implied in the vows but I very specifically told my now husband beforehand that I could only promise 60 years and we'll do sort of a year-to-year lease option after that. 

Somehow what I had intended to be a slightly sappy, cute little post about my husband and our anniversary has gone badly off course. So, I guess I'll just make it short and sweet...

Joshua understands my fears, my failures, my weaknesses and loves me anyway. He says the sarcastic things I think but does it so masterfully that the people it's directed towards, love him that much more for it. He's the best father any kid could have. He takes care of me when I'm sick and doesn't hold it against me that I tell him to suck it up when he's sick. He comes across as the mean one and lets me be the nice one (shh, it's a secret...he's a marshmallow-I'm the mean one). He lets me hold the remote. He shares my ridiculous obsession with all things Disney and graciously cooperates when I'm constantly saying that I want to stop and take a picture...over and over when most of the time he'd rather be doing just about anything in that moment other than smiling and pinning the children in their places while I click away. He supports my decision to stay home and would equally support me if I chose to go back to work. He cuddles up with me and watches chick flicks without complaint (even the ones he's not secretly excited about too).

He's my best friend and I miss him. 

Ok. Sappy moment over.

Abandoned by Technology

This deployment has brought with it a technological curse. Since Joshua left in February, here's a list of the things which have either become possessed or straight up died on me...in no particular order...

Waffle Maker

Laptop-only briefly until the Laptop Dr could fix it-Thank God!

Breast Pump

Cell phone-actually 2 cell phones, 3 different times

Washing Machine

Battery in my truck

Fuse Box-for the house...meaning no power to two rooms until it was fixed

Address Book-file on computer

DVD player in the truck-on the drive back from Florida

Laptop Cooling Thing-not the internal fan but the thing it sits on and has a fan that is powered by the laptop via USB (made a funny/slightly terrifying smell when it died)

iPod Shuffle

Dishwasher

And most recently...as in yesterday, my printer.

I'm not sure if that's an excessive amount, given that it's been 10 months and I'm sure most, if not all of these mini-disasters would have happened anyway but I married Joshua for two big reasons (other than the whole I love him and want to spend my life with him thing)...

A-he's tall...you know, so he can reach things that I can't and I can breed height back into my gene pool

and

B-he can fix just about anything...sure, I know how to fix a flat tire and if I absolutely had to, I could even change my own oil...probably...but that's just it, I married Joshua so I would never have to do anything remotely resembling mechanical/electrical work. 

So, I'm counting the days and praying nothing else breaks between now and when Joshua comes home because at this point, I'll most likely leave anything that abandons me for him to fix.

No More Grinch

I've been in a funk lately and try as I might, I couldn't shake it. I couldn't will myself out of it. Which, for me, is very humbling because I see it as a weakness. It wasn't depression in the most dramatic sense, it was heart ache at the season and all that we're missing compounded with well-intended, ignorant people. The kind of people who think the song I'll Be Home For Christmas is a sweet song that should cheer me up...for the record, it's not sweet. It's more like soul-crushing.

But, then a friend emailed me (thanks again) and shared with me what helped her through her fiance's recent deployment. It wasn't the kind of email that gave me a three step solution to my problem or told me what I should be doing. It was just her experience and her recognition of how hard it can be during the holidays. I guess, in a sense, it reminded me that I'm not the only one doing this. It's been done since the beginning of time and the first war began.

Don't get me wrong, my funk wasn't a pity-party where I thought I was the only one having to deal with a difficult situation. It was just pain. It's so easy to get caught up in pain and isolation and allow it to pull you down even more, which in the end, just causes more pain and more isolation.

So, I'm going to try harder to remember that it's almost over, I'm not alone and maybe I'll manage to be a little less Grinch-y. In fact, we're going to a holiday parade this evening and after we'll probably drive around looking at lights. In fact, it could be fun to come up with ideas of what I want Joshua to do with our lights next year...because we will be going BIG next year with our lights.

I Surrender

I'm waving the white flag...at least for the rest of this month. Deployment has won. There's just too many holidays...too many reminders of how much it sucks to be apart.

Hanukkah starts in less than a week.

Joshua's birthday is the 22nd.

Christmas (yes, we celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas) at my family's house.

New Year's Eve...which happens to also be our anniversary (looking back, we really didn't think that one through).

Any other year, it's stressful...so much to do in such a short amount of time but it's fun. It's so full of family time and love and joy.

This year, it's so hard to not be a Grinch. Just ask our local post office employee...I don't know his name but by now he's come to know us fairly well with all the times we've gone in to send Joshua boxes. The last time I went in, he congratulated me and asked if I was excited. I was confused and then he went on to say that I must be excited because my husband is coming home soon. I started to respond that it's still a few months away (nothing more specific than that per OPSEC and the fact that we don't even know much more than that) but yeah, it's getting closer when he cut me off to inform me that ALL the troops would be home by the end of the year. He heard it on the news.

And then it clicked.

This man, who knows my husband is in Afghanistan...who moments before had stamped the customs paperwork for the box I was sending to Afghanistan was excited because troops are leaving Iraq. He didn't understand that there are two wars. Two battlefields. Two. All he knew was the news reported troops coming home.

My first reaction was nausea at the heart wrenching reminder that we still have months to go. My second was a feeling of being totally and completely alone. Granted, we have our friends, family and the military community but outside of that, it often feels like no one cares. Finally, I was angry that this man and so many others like him live their lives blissfully ignorant. 

I'm proud to say that I kept my composure. I didn't throw up, cry or yell at him. I just curtly replied that the troops in Iraq will be home shortly but the troops in Afghanistan continue to fight. In the end, that's all that really matters. My husband is still in Afghanistan so this year, we'll celebrate Hanukkah, his birthday, Christmas, New Year's and our anniversary without him. It's going to be eleven days that suck. I'm proud of my husband and what he's doing. I know I can't make him come home earlier but I really hope January 2nd gets here fast so at least we'll be done with the holidays.

Thanksgiving...?

I'm probably the only one not feeling the nostalgic holiday...we just got back from Florida, the weather has been so much warmer than usual and Joshua's not home. It just doesn't feel right. I made the mistake of telling my mother that I just wasn't feeling it this year and ended up having to convince her that I'm not depressed. For the record, I'm not depressed. 

It just feels off. Don't get me wrong, I have more to be thankful for than any other year. Our baby girl is here (woohoo, not pregnant) and our boy is doing great even with the deployment.

In the end, what I'm thankful for most, is Joshua. Without him, I wouldn't have most of the greatest things in my life...our kids, our home, the ability to stay at home with our kids, many of our friends, almost everything that really matters. Holidays are not the same without him so I'm not feeling it. I'll still bake and have a big meal but I'm thankful that next year, we'll all be together again.

Lessons Learned

Deployment teaches lessons. 

Some lessons suck...like how to do anything mechanical-lesson learned: it's good to be married to a mechanically gifted man and without him, getting stuff fixed with two kids is a pain and it really cuts into the retail therapy budget. 

Some lessons are gross...like when you have two sick kids and each is exploding in some form-lesson learned: it's good to have another person home to help with the cleaning...and by "help with the cleaning" I mean, of course, clean it all while I attempt not to vomit from the smell.

Some lessons are heart breaking...like realizing it's been months since this friend or that friend called, texted or emailed because somehow deployment changes friendships. People don't always know what to say or how to reach out. Double dates are out and a girl's-night-out sometimes take Herculean effort. In the end, their lives haven't been turned upside down so time just goes on and eventually the friendship turns into an awkward acquaintance.

But mostly, the lessons are life changing. I know, it sounds dramatic but it is. I've spent the last eight months...yeah, EIGHT months...learning things about myself and my marriage...some good, some not so good. I've been humbled and broken with my own weakness. I'm proud of my husband and our marriage. Strange as it may sound, we're as strong if not stronger as we've ever been. Don't get me wrong, we've had some disagreements...some might say epic fights but the distance has done two things. First, it limits communication which means the fights can last longer (like the entire month of May) but it also means that we're forced to take some time before reacting. And second...most importantly, it has been a daily reminder of how much I love him. I'm a fairly guarded person and the idea of sappy vulnerability scares the crap out of me but it turns out it doesn't scare me as much as the idea of living without him.

I'm done.

It's been 5 months. I've learned more about myself, my husband, my children and my marriage than ever before this deployment and now I'm done.

I don't want to hear my son cry for his Daddy to come home. I don't want to be a single mom of a newborn who nurses every two hours 24 hours a day (yeah...went to the pediatrician yesterday and the Princess grew two and a half inches in two weeks...no wonder I'm feeling drained). I want my son to stop being spoiled by his Grandma and Nana...new gifts every week...sometimes every day and it's getting uncontrollable. He was misbehaving the other day pretty bad so I made him throw away one of his prized dinosaur toys...30 mins later he informed me that Grandma would buy him a new one.

I want my husband home. In a weird way, I keep expecting him to walk through the door just because I want him to. I'm not delusional, I know he won't be home for months...many, many months but I guess I'm just selfish. I've pretty much always managed to get what I really wanted until now. There's not enough work or manipulation or begging or praying or anything that will change the fact that he's still deployed and I'm still home with our kids.

On a happy/potentially dangerous-to-the-budget note, my Aunt (aka Nana), my cousin and her two kids will be in town for a long weekend and it's tax-free weekend for our state so let the shopping begin.

Belated update

Ok...I'm a bad blogger. "Tomorrow" turned into 10 days later. Turns out there's a lot more to newborns that I somehow forgot but before I get to that, let me tell you about the delivery since I said I would a week and a half ago.

It was dramatic, to say the least. Joshua (the hubs) is at a new FOB...very new. So new in fact that there wasn't personal internet set up...still isn't but that's an annoying topic for another day. To be honest, he works with military computers and at the time, they barely had military internet. Two and a half hours before our princess made her debut, we found out that Joshua would be able to skype in and watch the delivery. It was the best of a bad situation and for just over two hours it worked great and labor continued well...aside from having to get stuck twice for the epidural-that sucked and I'm still having some back pain from it.

(for those of you who are opposed to epidurals in general, I totally understand and if it weren't for the fact that without it, I could've died because my heart isn't strong enough to handle the stress of labor, I might have wanted to go the o'natural route so let's keep the preaching about natural childbirth to a minimum)

Anyway, as I reached a 10 and started to push...we lost signal. Yup. So as my OB was telling me that the umbilical cord was going to be around my daughter's neck and I needed to focus and push, I was yelling at my mom to reconnect and press the "video" button. Nothing was working so as much as it frustrated my OB, I stopped pushing, turned and clicked the button myself. I couldn't focus on her without him. I pushed one more time and just as the video was coming back on, she came out.

I cut the cord and she got an 8/9 on the apgar scale. Once the stress of pushing was done and she was safe, the stress of it all overwhelmed me. I started crying hard...something I never do in front of anyone. My OB was concerned I was crying because I was in pain but after a moment to get control of myself, I was able to tell her it wasn't painful. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of the drama. I had torn internally and my OB wasn't able to close it with stitches. Every time she tried, it tore more and I bled more so she left it to "ooze" and hopefully close itself. It did but it took a day and a half so they ended up keeping me an extra night. I opted not to get a blood transfusion because although I'm sure it would have been helpful at least in the shorterm but longterm there are much more serious problems it could bring and I had confidence that my body would heal itself with enough time.

Healing has come slowly...at least more slowly that with the boy. It feels like I'm just now starting to get my body back. Although, motrin is still a necessity. It's been nice to have my mom and friends around off and on. I've only had a few days alone with both kids and this week I'll have 3 more days alone and then I'm loading up the kids, the dog and half of our house to visit Grandma's because we'll have family in town that we haven't seen in months. It should be fun but it's also the "tax-free" weekend so shopping is most likely going to wear me out more than the kids which at this point says a lot.

The things I seem to be relearning about newborns or at least my newborn could fill volumes but in a nutshell...

*nursing is awesome for losing weight but not so pleasant on nipples
*losing 30 lbs in 11 days is rough (don't roll your eyes...it's exhausting)
*my daughter doesn't sleep or stay awake in a happy place unless she's held
*changing poopy diapers 10-12 times a day sucks
*nursing = purposely allowing pregnancy hormones to rage through your body
*having a 3 yr old who adores his newborn sister makes life much easier
*you do what you have to...ei pacifiers are not the enemy
*I have little to no patience for whiny parents who have their spouse in the same country

Well, the boy is waking up and the girl is hungry so although I'd love to wrap up this post in a nice, neat way, there's nothing about my life that's nice or neat right now.

Yesterday

My world shifted just enough to throw me into the chasm of my first real deployment breakdown. I've cried before. I've felt sick to my stomach and been angry but nothing compares to the meltdown that I experienced last night. Granted, being 9 months pregnant REALLY doesn't help the situation but yesterday was a turning point in this whole thing. Joshua's been gone for four months...training stateside but still gone. At midnight, that changed. He's not just training anymore. I believe (mostly because I physically cannot bring myself to not believe) that he will be safe. He will come home...it feels like it will be forever but I know he'll come home. But everything is different. Putting aside the danger aspect...an aspect I like to put aside ("denial isn't always a bad thing"...that's the way my psychologist put it because sometimes we have to compartmentalize...we have to protect our minds and our hearts)....everything is still different. I can't compartmentalize away the fact that communication is going to be drastically different. Drastically less. And then there's "Army Joshua." Over the last four months I've come to know "Army Joshua" and speak to him sometimes more than my Joshua. "Army Joshua" is harder. He has to be. On a logical level, I want him to be "Army Joshua" while he's away. I want him to be strong so he can be safe. But on a selfish level, I can't live solely in logic for over a year...especially pregnant/nursing. I want my Joshua. I want him home. I want this to all be over and in a lot of ways, it's just really beginning now.

I'm sure the fact that the boy turned 3 years old yesterday didn't help. I'm a mom. Other than an Army Wife...there's not much else that describes me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a friend, a sister, a daughter...a major fan of all things Disney and photography but at my core...wife and mom. My son has been 1000 miles away from me for almost a week now. It was something I knew Joshua needed and something the boy needed but I didn't realize how much missing the boy's birthday would affect me. It's odd because the birthday in and of itself wasn't a big deal...I think the combination of the fact that my baby boy is now 3 years old, my husband has transitioned into a new stage in the deployment and I'm going to have a daughter in about three weeks was just more than I could handle for one day. I should have made plans with friends. I should have known it would be difficult but I didn't. I wanted to be home so I could talk with both of my boys if/when they could.

In a word, yesterday was bad. I cried so hard and so much that I started to contract. I tried to stop it. I tried to  control myself and drink some water but there came a moment (warning...this is definitely an over share but it happened) when I had to stop because I wasn't sure if I had peed my pants (again) or if my water had broken. It's funny now and it was just what I needed to sober me up and make me get control but at the time it was just another thing to deal with.

That was yesterday. I think today will be better.

Dear Army, Don't Screw This Up!

I just got a call from Joshua...he had to submit two alternate R&R dates. As it stands now, we have an awesome vacation planned for the current dates which includes Sea World, Universal Studios and Disney World. None of us have been to Sea World. I'm the only one who's been to Universal Studios but it's been about 20 years and I'm super excited about the Wizarding World. As for Disney...it's just what we do...not necessarily every year but lately that's how it's worked out.


When we first thought about what to do for R&R it was a bit overwhelming. There were so many options...go abroad...stay home and cuddle for two weeks...go to Disney...bring Joshua home for baby girl's birth but in the end we went with the annual trip to Disney because...

going abroad would mean going somewhere totally new with two small children and having to deal with passports/visas and the inevitable last minute change in plans thanks to the Army

staying home was never an option...we knew this would be when Joshua would meet our daughter and staying home would be too difficult for all of us...especially the boy. I can't imagine the heartbreak of having Daddy actually at home for two weeks and then having to say goodbye again...when Joshua comes home, it's going to be for good

if Joshua came home for our daughter's birth, it would mean that we wouldn't see him again afterwards for at least 8 months...we would spend a great deal of "our" time together in the hospital...the boy would have to deal with having Daddy home, a new sister and then Daddy gone again all in a very short time frame so as much as I'm going to miss my husband and he's going to hate missing our daughter's birth, in the end, it's not what's best for us or our kids

which left us with Disney. We know Disney...we know how to make it work even if the Army throws a wrench in the plans. Plus, with Disney, we can be sure that the boy will have a good time because it won't all be about Joshua meeting baby girl...it'll be more like, "hey look it's Mickey Mouse...go say hi to Mickey little buddy...by the way Joshua, here's your daughter" ...ok, maybe not that cavalier but you get the idea.

For the record, of course I purchase travel insurance and we're a fairly flexible family...so why the title to this post?

Because anyone who's done the Disney World thing as often and as long as we have knows that all the best dining experiences...restaurants and shows start booking up 6 months out. To be exact, 180 days before your reservation date at 7am est. We have a ton of great restaurants and shows booked for the current R&R dates. We have family coming at the same time so from time to time Joshua and I will have the option to be kid free...at least for a couple hours (I'll be nursing). It would just be really great (and shocking) if the Army didn't make us scramble at the last moment for new restaurant and show reservations.

(a couple of my favorite pics from our 2010 trip)