Choosing Sides

Recently, an old friend got divorced. I've known him for over a dozen years. We met in high school when we were in Boy Scouts together-yes, I was in Boy Scouts-it was a co-ed division called Venture Crew. We went back-packing, rock-climbing and just had a great time. We didn't care about merit badges or even proper Boy Scout uniforms, we just loved to be outside and be active. My friend was always the big teddy bear of the group. When we graduated, I lost touch with him and most everyone I went to high school with. My early college years were spent searching for who I was and who I wanted to become. Once life started to settle down, I began reconnecting with some of my old high school friends, thanks in part to facebook. I was able to reconnect with my teddy bear friend, meet his wife and introduce them both to my husband. I was heart broken to watch as they went through painful infertility issues but encouraged by the strength of their marriage and over the moon when they got pregnant and the pregnancy was healthy. They had gone through multiple miscarriages and it seemed to bond them together forever but I guess forever didn't last. 


With their miracle baby just a couple years old, they got divorced this spring. Between the Army and the fact that they live several hours from us, we hadn't been able to visit them in over a year and a half. Our friendship had slipped to an online-only type of friendship so when I saw my friend's wife's relationship status change to "divorced," I was in shock. I didn't know what to think. I love my teddy bear friend but I had also grown to love his wife. 


Immediately, I decided I was going to be neutral. I was going to be Switzerland. I loved them both and secretly hoped they would work it out. However, I was also prepared to accept and even befriend new loves for each of them down the road but down the road came much sooner than I expected. What felt like moments after their divorce was finalized, my old friend was engaged to someone else. I know what his first wife believes happened with their marriage but I also know there's two sides to every story and a marriage doesn't fall apart because of just one person's failings. That being said, when I look at facebook photos and see him sitting with his new fiance and her daughter, my heart breaks. I can't help but remember him with his first wife and their baby girl.


I always hated when people would talk about "choosing sides" in a divorce but I guess I kind of get it now. It's not that I want to choose a side. It's that I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at my friend the same way again. The only thing in my life that I can equate it to is being pregnant when a friend is having a miscarriage or visa versa. I want to be happy that my old friend is happy and seems to have found someone he loves but I'm heart broken for his first wife, their daughter and the life that they had together.

Blink of An Eye

This week has been a lesson in how fast and dramatically life can change, or end.


My 27 year old cousin, Nathan, is in a neuro ICU in Colorado after a mountain biking accident. We don't know really what happened because he was biking alone but he was found...not sure even how long he was down before he was found...on a trail he'd ridden a hundred times before. It took some time to get word to his parents because when his cell phone was discovered, they didn't know who to call. They ended up getting in touch with his ex-girlfriend who was able to track down his fiance who took it from there. He was wearing a helmet but had a head injury on the left side. Either he hit right at the edge of his helmet or his helmet hit so hard it pushed into his head. Initial reports were not good. He had a brain bleed, was put on a vent and has a broken clavicle but no one really knew anything in the beginning. Three days later, he's having some issues with short-term memory loss...he knows the year, the season and recognizes people but he's having to be restrained because they took the vent out and cannot keep him as deeply sedated so he's waking up without knowing where he's at and  why he's there. Every time they tell him what happened, he calms down pretty quickly but it's clear that patience is going to be one of his biggest hurdles. Ironically, and I guess thankfully, his fiance is finishing up her final semester in occupational therapy and from all reports has done an amazing job staying on top of everything while still very lovingly caring for Nathan. They're starting to look at inpatient rehab facilities but it's unclear how long rehab will take. Although we didn't spend much time together as children-we lived on opposite sides of the country before the facebook era, he's my cousin and I'm so thankful that he was wearing a helmet and has a good prognosis.


I had already planned on writing a post about Nathan and it probably would have been a bit more preachy when it comes to encouraging people to wear helmets because to be honest, I doubt he'd still be alive if it weren't for his helmet but I woke up this morning to read a status update on facebook that stopped me.


Sometimes, it doesn't matter how safe you are, accidents still happen. Last night, my dear friend's two year old princess was pulled out of a pool by her older brother. She was limp and incoherent in his arms. By the grace of God, life came back to her and she began breathing. That little girl, her parents' and siblings' lives will forever be changed. All the little things in their life have disappeared and just about everything in comparison to their children is a little thing.


I'm holding my children just a little bit tighter today and taking the time to remember the little moments like this morning when our boy sat in bed with me and our princess and made up an elephant song for her. I loved that moment and I'll hold onto that moment because we are not promised forever. We're not even promised tomorrow.

Happy You-Day to All Would-Be Moms

Mother's Day is here. It can be a great time where you're able to celebrate your own mom and all she's done for you and it can be a day where you look back and marvel at your own children but for women who have suffered miscarriages or struggle with infertility, it can be a painful day. 

To those women I want to say you're not alone. You may not end up with the family you dreamed of as a child yourself but there are other ways and other dreams. You can get through this season. I thought our third miscarriage was going to break me. I remember falling apart and telling some of our close friends that I was tired of feeling like a tomb. You see, for me, getting pregnant was easy. Staying pregnant has always been the hard part. We wanted a HUGE family and after two successful (and very high risk/difficult pregnancies) we realize now that our huge family will come but it will come mostly through adoption. It's going to take more time and effort but we'll get there.

I hope that you have all the support, the chocolate, lemon-drop martinis and chick flicks or whatever else you need to get through this season. Celebrate you today. Spoil yourself. You deserve it.

My Heart Skips A Beat

I hadn't planned on blogging today but this morning I woke up with a migraine that has made it almost impossible to do even the easiest of things. I'm not focusing well (I apologize in advance for the inevitable typos to come), I'm nauseous and have no appetite. All of which has lead to heart palpitations. Don't worry. It's normal...for me.


When I get dehydrated, overly hungry, eat too much sugar or any of about a dozen other triggers, I have palpitations. A simple head cold like what I assume I'm experiencing now can bring it all on. I have what's called SVT...or super ventricular tachycardia. Sexy, right?! In a nutshell, the electrical current is messed up and my heart skips beats, it also speeds up and pumps before it actually has a chance to fill with blood...which hurts. It's not so debilitating that I have to go to the hospital...not normally at least. There are tricks to reverse the tachycardia and ways to avoid defribulation. It's not generally considered a life-threatening condition in and of itself. It is a giant pain in the butt when I'm pregnant (which of course I'm not) but more than anything on deployment days like today, it makes me miss my husband.


He doesn't baby me when I have "an episode." He doesn't ignore me either. He knows what will make it better and he knows that I hate it. I hate being weak. I hate being broken. But most of all I hate that I did it to myself. I don't talk about it much because it's literally my heart and it's difficult to admit. I damaged my heart by not eating. Anorexia. It's not a word I like to use because it congers up images of bony, damaged girls. I'm healthy now...well, apart from my heart. I eat. I love to eat. I still don't always see myself the way I should but it doesn't stop me from making healthy choices. It's just another thing that's easier when Joshua's home. Really everything is easier. I'm more myself when I'm with him. I'm more confident. I can relax. Ironically, one of the tips my cardiologists have repeated over the years is to meditate and relax as much as possible because stress only aggravates the condition. I try but honestly, I won't fully be able to relax until he's home. He's my best friend. He makes my heart skip a beat in a good way and I miss him.


So, today, while everyone is enjoying their chocolates (and other caffeinated, overly sugary yummy stupid things that I can't have-no bitterness really) and holding their husbands, I'm holding my breath (vagal maneuver) and waiting for mine to return. A year from now I hope I remember today. I hope I remember how lucky I will be to eat chocolate and hold Joshua.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A commercial came on (which is a rare event in our house-usually the boy is only allowed to watch movies or dvr'd TV and I never have time to watch TV live) and the boy's reaction took me by surprise. He was watching Beauty and The Beast live on the Disney Channel. The commercial was for the Joining Forces Campaign with the first lady and a couple Disney stars-I have no idea who they are...some teeny bopper boy band or Hannah Montana actors-is that even still on?-I'm not sure but thankfully we're not at that stage yet so I don't have to know such things. 

I tried to find a youtube clip of the commercial so you could see it but I couldn't find it. Most of the commercial was the two young Disney stars talking about what it's like to grow up in a military family...the good and some of the bad. Mrs. Obama then made her plea to go to the White House's Joining Forces website. 

Anyway, the boy was glued to the TV and I could see the wheels turning so when the commercial ended, I paused the TV and waited for him to say whatever it was that he needed to say.

Boy: "I don't like that."

Me: "Ok...what don't you like?"

Boy: "Their Daddy was gone."

Me: "Yes. Their Daddy was a soldier like your Daddy. They're a military family and sometimes military families like us have to be away from each other."

Boy: "I don't want to do that anymore."

Me: "Me neither little man. What would make you feel better?"

Boy: "Popcorn chicken."

Me: "That I can do." 

So that's what we did. Sometimes I think I forget how hard this is on the boy because he's handled it so well. It's easy to mistake his ability to deal with the deployment as him being ok with the deployment. Other times I think I delude myself into believing he doesn't understand it when I know even without days like today that he understands it better than I do sometimes. He knew what would make him feel better and he let it work. We had popcorn chicken and now, he's scaring off an imaginary dinosaur from attacking his sister. 

Lying Kills

The times in my life when I've been most hurt (outside of miscarriages) have been direct results of a lie. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, even lies of my own. It's changed me. It's changed how I view lying and the kind of friend, daughter, sister, and wife I am. I've always considered myself at least reasonably non-judgmental...mostly because I've done so much wrong in my own life that to judge others for their failures would be the very definition of hypocrisy. That said, I cannot stand by and say or at least feel nothing when I know someone is lying. Not just leaving out part of a story but straight up, pants on fire lying. It just gets under my skin and reminds me of all the times a lie has hurt me. I recently lost a friend...no, she didn't die. We disagreed on a fairly inconsequential issue. She took offense at my position and lashed out. When I tried to discuss it, she lied and claimed her attack (for lack of a better word) was directed at someone else. I won't go into all the details because it doesn't matter but I know for a fact that she lied to me. She wouldn't own her words and now I grieve the friendship we could have had. 

Yesterday

My world shifted just enough to throw me into the chasm of my first real deployment breakdown. I've cried before. I've felt sick to my stomach and been angry but nothing compares to the meltdown that I experienced last night. Granted, being 9 months pregnant REALLY doesn't help the situation but yesterday was a turning point in this whole thing. Joshua's been gone for four months...training stateside but still gone. At midnight, that changed. He's not just training anymore. I believe (mostly because I physically cannot bring myself to not believe) that he will be safe. He will come home...it feels like it will be forever but I know he'll come home. But everything is different. Putting aside the danger aspect...an aspect I like to put aside ("denial isn't always a bad thing"...that's the way my psychologist put it because sometimes we have to compartmentalize...we have to protect our minds and our hearts)....everything is still different. I can't compartmentalize away the fact that communication is going to be drastically different. Drastically less. And then there's "Army Joshua." Over the last four months I've come to know "Army Joshua" and speak to him sometimes more than my Joshua. "Army Joshua" is harder. He has to be. On a logical level, I want him to be "Army Joshua" while he's away. I want him to be strong so he can be safe. But on a selfish level, I can't live solely in logic for over a year...especially pregnant/nursing. I want my Joshua. I want him home. I want this to all be over and in a lot of ways, it's just really beginning now.

I'm sure the fact that the boy turned 3 years old yesterday didn't help. I'm a mom. Other than an Army Wife...there's not much else that describes me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a friend, a sister, a daughter...a major fan of all things Disney and photography but at my core...wife and mom. My son has been 1000 miles away from me for almost a week now. It was something I knew Joshua needed and something the boy needed but I didn't realize how much missing the boy's birthday would affect me. It's odd because the birthday in and of itself wasn't a big deal...I think the combination of the fact that my baby boy is now 3 years old, my husband has transitioned into a new stage in the deployment and I'm going to have a daughter in about three weeks was just more than I could handle for one day. I should have made plans with friends. I should have known it would be difficult but I didn't. I wanted to be home so I could talk with both of my boys if/when they could.

In a word, yesterday was bad. I cried so hard and so much that I started to contract. I tried to stop it. I tried to  control myself and drink some water but there came a moment (warning...this is definitely an over share but it happened) when I had to stop because I wasn't sure if I had peed my pants (again) or if my water had broken. It's funny now and it was just what I needed to sober me up and make me get control but at the time it was just another thing to deal with.

That was yesterday. I think today will be better.

This is it...again.

Joshua's leave ends in a matter of hours and I want to throw up. First, he'll get another 4 day leave in a few weeks but he won't be able to come home and this pregnancy prevents me from being able to go to him. To make life even more fun, I had fully emotionally prepared myself (as best as one can) to deliver baby girl without him because a variety of reasons, meant he wouldn't be home but for the last three weeks, we've been told, no problem, he can be there. As with most Army things, it changed. Yesterday. Joshua called me from the Armory to let me know and there were about 3 hours where Army was a nasty four-letter word in our home because after these few hours we have left, we won't see Joshua until his R&R sometime late this fall. I'll get over it, again. I'll get back to being ok but it won't be today. It won't be tomorrow. These few days I'm taking to give myself a deployment/Murphey's-Law's-kicking-my-ass pity party. I make no apologies and I don't give a blankety blank what sort of image I'm supposed to portray. Before I was an Army wife, I thought military families were strong and proud. Maybe others are but right now, I'm not and I don't care. I'm being thrown into a situation I hate. A situation I have NO control over. And a situation that just sucks. I'll be strong next weekend. Today I'm crying. Today I'm mad. Today I'm letting my pregnancy hormones take over.

At least while the boy is asleep.

I can be strong or at least fake it for him. I can stay together while he's awake because his world's about to crash around him all over again and there's nothing I can do but hold it together while he cries and doesn't understand.

This is it...again. And I hate it.

Warning. I'm in a mood.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

We're down to just hours and the stupid Army is taking most of them up making sure Joshua and all the other guys have their gear in order. Between that and the fact that the closer we've come to this deployment, the more stupid people seem to be when they ask me questions, I've decided to post a list of questions/statements that drive me nuts (and maybe some suggestions at what else you could say or ask instead because I do understand most of the time, people just don't know what to say).

"I couldn't do it."

I get that this one is meant as a compliment but it's not. I don't have a choice. It wasn't something I ever expected in my life and I've had to learn to adapt. You would do the same if you had to.

"Aren't you worried he'll die?"

You know, that hadn't crossed my mind at all! Oh my. What would I do without you here to remind me of the dangers of war...dumbass.

"How much money will the Army give you if he dies?"

This has been asked twice now. Seriously people. This is just BEYOND tacky/classless/crude/cruel...etc.

"The boy's young, he'll recover eventually"

My hope is that we are able to maintain the familial connection and it isn't something he'll have to "recover" from but rather something that will bond us all closer together and will help him to become a more mature, compassionate, strong young man.

"At least the boy and the soon-to-be girl are young...you know, if something happens"

Really? Why? Why do people even go there?

"Well, you knew what you were signing up for"

How very considerate and compassionate of you...

"Won't you miss sex?"

No. Not at all. I'm a robot. I've heard this one three times and the next person to say it will get an equally inappropriate question about their sex life.

"My husband/boyfriend had to go to (insert safe, comfy, fun city) for two weeks last month, I totally understand."

No. Actually you don't. I don't compare my trials as a parent of one, soon-to-be two, to a parent of 6 or even a parent of one special needs child because it's not the same. You don't know what it's like and I swear if a certain young woman goes on another cruise with her parents and I have to read facebook posts every freaking day about how horrible it is to be separated from her boyfriend, I'm going to slap said young woman. Hard.

"If you need anything, just ask."

I feel a little bad about grouping this in with the others but the thing is so many times people really think it's pride that keeps military spouses from asking for help and maybe to an extent it is but the thing is that there's only a million things I could use some help with and my experience has been that when I ask for help with a specific thing, it's usually the one thing that person is unable to do...which is obviously fine but it does make me slow to reach out again. I LOVE when people specifically say "Can I do "xyz" for you?" Something specific. Something they're willing and able to do and I guarantee you that it's something I won't turn down.

Telling the boy

Tonight we had "the talk" with the boy about Joshua's deployment...talk about waiting until the last minute. I should qualify that we've said things here and there but tonight was the big night. Nothing like last minute. We're blessed to have a copy of the Sesame St Deployment dvd...if you haven't heard of it, I'm pretty sure you can go onto Military One Source and request one. We got our copy at the Yellow Ribbon Weekend. It's not Army Specific but it does only show Army and Air Force families. I've been sadly surprised how many other military families I've met that haven't heard of the dvd.

In the video, Elmo's dad has to go away "to help people" for a long time. It has clips of various military families discussing their own experience with deployment and shows the many ways Elmo was able to stay in touch with his daddy. They specifically mentioned letters, photos and talking over the computer (Skype without naming it) and before Elmo's daddy left, he and Elmo talked about how they could both still say goodnight to the moon. That one hit Joshua and the boy a bit hard (I had previewed it to make sure it was something that would work for us) because going outside and seeing the moon at night is something they do now. I probably should've warned Joshua about that part. That was when the boy started to get upset. He didn't cry at that point, he got angry. He sat on Joshua's lap with a scowl on his face for the rest of the video.

After the video ended, it's about 25 mins long, we asked the boy if he understood what happened with Elmo's dad. His response was more of the angry scowl so we continued and told him Joshua would also be gone for a long time but we'll be able to send pictures and talk on the computer. The boy just started bawling and clung to Joshua's leg.

It was rough. I really wasn't 100% sure that he'd understand at 2 and a half years old what it meant but I'm sure he does. As a treat, the three of us put tonight's DVR'd episode of The Big Bang Theory on...I know it sounds odd but the boy loves it. Mostly, I think, because in the opening credit he and Joshua dance together yell "BIG BANG" as the song ends. He doesn't really care about the show but we enjoy it and he likes to sit with us while we laugh.

It's going to be tough but I feel better knowing that at least on some level, the boy gets it.

a heart-broken boy

My son has a blankie. He loves his blankie. His blankie was knit by his great-great-aunt who lives about 2000 miles away....you can probably guess where this is going.

A couple weeks ago, his blankie ripped about 6 inches in the middle. I panicked at first but then I managed to do a temporary fix and had hoped to get it to a friend's mom who knows how to knit (I've tried in the past...and failed...miserably). The problem was finding a day when I could get it to her, she could work on it and possibly even get it back the same day since she lives about an hour away. Plus, my temporary fix seemed to be doing the trick so it went from being a not-so-minor emergency to just something that needed to get done....

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, after the boy's nap, I went upstairs to pick up his room and bring him a snack when I noticed what can only be described as tragic. The temporary fix no longer was in place and the boy's blankie ripped another 8 inches...it looked like the whole thing could just fall apart at any moment. To make matters worse, we're supposed to go out of town for the weekend. And my friend...the one whose mom was kind enough to offer to help, has lost her grandfather (as in her mother's father) so of course I can't and would never call to ask for their help now of all times.

So, last night, the boy slept, more accurately, laid in his bed and cried without his blankie. It was the saddest, most heart-wrenching night. He would fall asleep and be down for a couple of hours and then he'd wake up and whimper off and on for a few minutes. Nothing I did helped. He just wanted his blankie.

The worst part is that I knew this day would come. I knew that no matter what a child attaches themselves to...blankie, stuffed animal, doll, etc...one day it will get ripped or lost or in some other way be totally unavailable to the child. I've told every parent I worked for as a nanny to buy and encourage that special thing in their lives to be something replaceable...something you can buy 3 or 4 of and have extras when the inevitable happens. Did I listen to my own advice? No. And now my sweet boy is the one paying for it. I'm hoping this weekend he'll be so busy during the day that he won't notice it's absence. Oh why didn't I just give him a run of the mill, Disney Store Donald Duck to sleep with at 5 weeks old instead of a one of a kind blanket?!

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Warning: it's pretty long...I'll try not to be away so long...catching up on the blogs I read on all that's been going on here is a little crazy

It's been about a week and a half and though I've wanted to at least get on here and read some blogs, for the most part I haven't...it's been crazy and not in the usual sense so here it is in a nut shell, the good, the bad & the ugly (I like to end with the good so yeah, it's out of order)...

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The Bad: We (read: I, with my totally clueless almost two year old son) had to put Murray, our husky/lab mix down. Yup, doesn't get much worse than that for our family. He was only 4 years old but he was in kidney failure. The vet said his crankiness (he's been bullying our other dog and I just attributed it to the hubs being gone) was due to being in pain so yeah, now there's guilt too. To top it off, if we had discovered the underlying cause early enough...a heart defect, we could have treated it fairly inexpensively and he would have lived a long, full life. Double guilt. To top it off, the boy and I went back and forth with some sort of stomach flu. It was beyond terrible to be sick and have a sick child with no one in this tiny little town. And to top it off, we missed my step-brother's graduation party/visiting family from Florida...my Grandma (aka GG), my favorite Aunt (shh, don't tell the other 8 blood Aunts or 5 in-law Aunts) and a cousin who is not only sane (rare on that side) but also pretty cool. My closest friend is PCSing this coming week and this last week she was gone to her husband's OCS graduation. I know we'll stay close thanks to the internet but I'm going to miss midnight movies, Broadway shows, cafe moments and just knowing she's less than an hour away.

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The Ugly: My house-between dealing with a sick dog, having visitors (I'll go more into that in "the good"), and then getting sick ourselves, my house is in total disarray. My hair-it's just not at a cute stage in growth and I have pretty much no skill when it comes to hair/make-up...one of many reasons I prefer to be behind the camera instead of in front of it. Our yard-how do single moms with jobs and kids and pets and homes keep up with the mowing, the gardening and everything else??? I barely work, I only have one kid but I feel like I have to pick between inside the house or outside the house...what will get done today? The outside rarely wins.

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The Good :) We're over the stomach bug!!! YAY! We were able to spend a couple days with the triplets...I'm not sure if I've mentioned them on here before but before getting married I was a nanny and the family I worked for the longest had a set of triplets. They were 4 when I moved in and 6 when I left to get married and I love them all dearly. (They got me a Mother's Day card and I nearly cried because I love those kids so much). Since Joshua's been gone, I haven't seen them as often as usual and I've hated it but it's just tough to bring three ten year olds into our little house with the dog(s), and the toddler and everything else but this visit was wonderful...didn't do much for the state of my house but did wonders for my heart. I met two milwives this week and was really excited to be able to share my heart with someone who understands face to face. The first is an AF Wife (and former DODDS teacher-which ironically enough is what I wanted to do when I was in college) that I met from another friend. The other I didn't meet in person but online but I'm still super excited because she happens to be married to a man who is at Ft Leonard Wood going through BCT with Joshua. We have tons in common beyond that too. Her son is 21 months old, mine's 22 months (I think they even have the same Nemo decor but that's just what Joshua said), I think we graduated high school the same year and they too are Disney people...if you're a Disney person, you understand what that means...we go to Disney World as often as we can which brings me to what I consider to be the best "Good" of this last week or two...we've booked our next trip to Walt Disney World!!! We're staying in the same resort we stayed at on our first trip together (it was Joshua's first trip ever) and I know we're going to have a great time!