Goodbye Deployment

Today is so much more than just St Patrick's Day for us. Today marks the one year anniversary that Joshua has been home from deployment. To say I've been anticipating this date would be an understatement. I've been desperate for it...particularly for our children. Reintegration has been hard, at times as hard as the deployment was. Learning how to be a family of four, discovering our marriage again while also simultaneously helping Joshua adjust to how much our son had grown was difficult-Joshua left for the deployment when the boy was two and a half and was gone for 13 months but to be honest, Joshua really left for training when the boy was a year and a half and was gone 19 out of the next 24 months. It took a toll. I'm in awe of how well our son has done but there are remnants of the pain he felt. 

Last week when we took both the kids to the optometrist (neither needed glasses-more than a small miracle itself!), we were about half way through the 45 minutes route when the boy's eyes got huge and filled with tears. I was almost panicked, watching him struggle to get control of himself to be able to tell us what hurt/what was wrong and then he said it...

"Does this mean Daddy is going far, far away again?" 

His four year old mind had linked the one other time he remembered being at the optometrist with his Daddy being gone as it was shortly before Joshua had returned. 

It's not the first time he had asked it...when we were on our way to Disney last September, he had remembered the year before's R&R trip and had a small breakdown thinking we were all going to Florida but that his Daddy wouldn't be coming back with us.

I've been so ready for this day to come. To be able to say a year ago today my husband was home (or at least not being shot at) is a blessing that I treasure. The deployment taught me many lessons but one of the biggest was patience and what long-suffering love really is. It took long-suffering love to get through the deployment but it's also taken a long-suffering love to get through reintegration. We've made it to a year. We're still married...and I'm sad to say that isn't the case for everyone we've walked this journey with. Our children are healthy and happy and we've found our new normal. With Joshua still in the military, I don't take his being home for granted. I recognize and accept we may go through this same cycle again but today, we celebrate the time we've had together.

Maybe it's providential that this anniversary falls on St Patrick's Day. Many mistakenly assume he brought Christianity to Ireland (or miraculously rid it of snakes-although that would certainly be something to celebrate) but what he really did, according to Jon Sweeny who wrote a book about St Patrick, was organize, inspire and expand Christianity within Ireland but he didn't even do that right away. He spent six years as a slave-which is where he discovered his faith and then decades studying before he returned to Ireland. 

Regardless of what the future may hold...what deployments, training separations or anything else we may face, St Patrick's Day will always stand as a personal reminder to "rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character, and character produces hope."

Reintegration Update

It's been a while since I really wrote about reintegration but it's been on my mind a lot the last couple of days. My best friend is about to go through her husband's first deployment and I've recently written a post for a deployment series that should come out end of August/September-ish. I'll link up when the series begins. I'm really looking forward to reading everyone else's experiences with deployment. 

I'd like to say I haven't written about reintegration in a while because it's been a cake walk and hasn't been on my mind at all but that's not really the case. It hasn't been bad, it just hasn't been easy. First, I didn't know how to write about it and in many ways, I still don't. Then, there's some stuff I just can't write about...at least not yet. Nothing to do with my relationship with my husband or his relationship with our children...those relationships have remained strong and are growing. Just Joshua's transition from active duty, full-time, war-zone Army life to a civilian job where 99% of the people don't get it and have no interest in educating themselves about military life isn't easy.

Joshua's not the only one from his deployment to struggle with the drastic change to civilian life. I've learned more about PTSD and I've realized that I had, at least on some level, stereotyped "those" people. Whenever I heard those four letters I used to think of emotionally wounded, violent men who beat their wives. Now, I know people with PTSD. They're good men.

As for Joshua specifically, he's doing really well. He's going back to the VA in a couple days for his knee-he injured it while he was deployed and has been on a running profile (I'm probably not wording that correctly and he'll say something if he reads this but basically his knee is jacked up and he can't run like he would like to) which has been super annoying for him because he says I'm "making [him] fat." To which I say, "I only make the yummy meals, you decide how much of it to eat." 

Meanwhile, our Princess has him wrapped around her finger like he never missed a day. The Boy is still very much a Daddy's boy and has really grown since Joshua returned. His verbal skills have improved and although he sometimes struggles with separation anxiety, it's generally not too bad. I'm hopeful that with a little more family time, any remnant anxiety will fade away.

 By the way, if you're facing a deployment of your own with a little one at home, we HIGHLY recommend the Sesame St DVD Talk, Listen, Connect: Deployments, Homecomings and Changes. It set us up for success with the boy. You can get it from Military One Source and it's often handed out at pre-deployment yellow ribbon events. Just keep in mind there are two DVDs. Deployment/Homecomings are two chapters on one DVD and Changes is the other DVD. I've heard (read: I'm a wuss and haven't had the emotional fortitude to find out for myself) that the Changes DVD is to be used to help explain the situation in pre-school terms if your service member comes home injured. Don't mix the two up! Also, you may want to pre-view the Deployment chapter alone so you can ball your eyes out before you watch it with your children.

As for Joshua and I, we're scheduled to go to a Strong Bonds seminar next month and although I think we're both a little nervous about it-we've never done a marriage retreat and anything led by the Army tends to keep me a bit guarded, I think it should be fun. We've had good friends go through it with nothing but positive things to say. 

I guess that's the update...we're still truckin' along. It's not always easy. It's often frustrating. But we're learning what our new normal is and so far, it's not too bad.

Freedom Isn't Free

I hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th of July. I really wanted to write about our plans but in addition to splashing in the kids' pool, taking some holiday pics and grilling steaks, we spent the night eating and blowing things up with some Army friends as a surprise birthday/4th of July party with some of the guys Joshua deployed with. 

It was good to get together especially because the birthday boy (aka Hopper) is a guy whom Joshua hasn't seen since Hopper was seriously injured and air-lifted out. He and his wife have been in my prayers for months. I know that they've both struggled with the injury but they're really an inspiration in strength. Our nation's birth and growth continue because of the sacrifices of men and women like Hopper and their families. 

Adventure Is Out There! Part 2

Our adventure in El Paso continued after the gun range (and a taco break) when we hopped in the truck and drove out to White Sands for some Sand Dune Sledding. 

Sounds awesome, right?!

It was pretty cool but it was also a lot of work to get back up the sand dunes and it's really not like snow sledding at all. 

(it was awesome to get away from the kids, just the two of us...first time in almost 3 years)

(pigtails were helpful to keep my hair out of my face until they tried to kill me...this pic wasn't moments before "the incident" where my pigtail got caught under the sled and made me wipe out...graceful, as always)

The rest of our time in El Paso was spent playing games...I'm now just a little bit obsessed with dominoes...eating and just hanging out. The boys cleaned the guns while JG and I played with our nails.

We stayed in El Paso until just about the last possible moment. We got to my parents' house (which is about three hours from our place) at 0200. They had to leave for the airport at 0400...they're in Belize for two weeks (must be rough). We stayed at their house until both Joshua and I had enough sleep to get back on the road which took a while because the kids woke up way too early and we ended up taking shifts napping. We managed to pick up the dog from a local farm where he goes while we're out of town and get home with enough time in the afternoon for the kids to lay down while I got some laundry going...exciting stuff. But we were still in a rush because the boy had his first t-ball game that night.

(the boy in the 1st inning...he hit...he ran...unfortunately, he ran to the pitcher's mound before he ran to first base...thankfully, in the second inning he managed to run the correct direction and even scored)

(it was sort of a David vs Goliath situation...except that Goliath won...the other team was clearly older and much more experienced than our kiddos but they had a great time)

(in the 2nd inning, our boy was the catcher...isn't he just the cutest little thing!)

Have I mentioned that we had a whirlwind week and a half?! Because we did and even after the t-ball game, it wasn't over. We got home and repacked the suitcase for an overnight yellow ribbon event about an hour and a half from where we live. Thankfully, this time around it wasn't death by power point and a few of the speakers seemed to really have the attention of the audience which when you're talking about a few hundred soldiers who were made to attend and spouses who were only trying to be supportive, it's no small thing to keep their attention. It was good to hang out with some of the guys Joshua deployed with and having a couple free hotel rooms for the night (one for the kids and one for us-adjoining of course) didn't suck but I'm glad to be home. Other than going out for the 4th, I plan to stay home for nice stretch, if only to recover from the last two weeks.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe Independence Day. Let's celebrate our nation's freedom by blowing a piece of it away...it's the American way.

Deployment...the not-so-friendly ghost

Father's Day was officially three months since Joshua returned and although I'm thrilled/relieved/humbled to say that we've managed the reintegration better than I expected, there are moments when the deployment seems like a ghost in the corner invisible to all but us. Like last month when we went to the local arts festival and a balloon popped. Joshua jumped. Not a huge jump. Not really even out of fear. I was probably the only person who noticed but it threw me back to the nights when I didn't sleep and jumped when someone knocked at the door. Our little ghost is coming around less and less often and although I don't think we'll ever really be free of him, he has less of an impact. 


The thing that does still carry a punch is when I hear someone belittle my husband's service (or any other service member's sacrifice). Being a Guard family, we live in two worlds. It's sometimes a blessing and sometimes a burden. The benefits are obvious...we don't have to move, Joshua will (theoretically) deploy less often and we're not always inside the "Army bubble." Unfortunately, the biggest downside is that many people we live and work with don't understand our life. It's arguable whether that's because the can't understand it or they just won't but either way, it can hurt.


Yesterday, Joshua went to his civilian job with his multi-cam back pack (it's how he prefers to carry his laptop) and a woman he works with (whom I will refer to as L and who knows he's still in the Guard and scheduled to go active duty again soon) stopped him and asked "What's up with the camo bag?"


I don't think Joshua totally understood the question or the reason for it and replied "It's what was issued and I like it." 


L: "But it's not like you're really in the military now."


The room got silent (which at his job is hard to do) and I'm thankful that someone else stepped up and corrected L so that Joshua didn't have to. I understand what she meant by it but it's the attitude behind it that stings. Sometimes, I wish people with that attitude could see our little ghost. Maybe then they'd understand.

Home for TWO Months!

Joshua came home two months ago today. It's a little surreal. In many ways the deployment feels like it was just yesterday but it was such a different day-to-day life that in some ways it really was a lifetime ago. 

Something I once heard in a child development class (I majored in child development if you didn't know-talk about a lifetime ago!) about itty bitty babies is that until they're 8 or 9 months old, they've spent more time in the womb than outside it. I know it's a simple, obvious statement but it really impacted me and it's changed the way I parent. Although we strongly believe in attachment parenting, I'm not big on advertising or preaching it because I don't think it's the only way to successfully parent. It's just the way that works best for us. All that to say, I'm beginning to view the deployment in a similar context. Joshua was gone for 13 months total and it may take us...or at least me...13 months to fully process all that happened in that time.

I don't mean to sound overly dramatic. I'm just the sort of person that needs time and space to really process big events in my life. I can be spontaneous...heck, we eloped but then it's almost like what happens in those times of spontaneity aren't fully real until I can find a quiet corner to process it. I'm probably not making any sense whatsoever but that's ok...nothing new there. What is new, and I attribute it mostly to the deployment, is that I'm much more ok with not making sense. I've always been a people pleaser-concerned with how I looked, both physically and intellectually but with the deployment came a sort of devil-may-care attitude. The insensitive and downright rude things people would ask or say hardened me. Ironically, as much as the deployment hardened me, I also think it softened me. I'm more aware of my weakness. I'm more aware of the things that matter most. And I'm more likely to talk about both...to admit, without shame, my weaknesses and to embrace the things and people I love. 

Deployment sucked. I hated every minute of it but I'm thankful for the things it taught me about myself, my marriage, my family, my friends...every aspect of our lives was crystallized. For that, I'm thankful.

Finding Balance...Again

I think life is circular. Lessons are learned and relearned in new ways...or maybe it's just me and I'm a stubborn fool who has to relearn the same lesson over and over...actually I know I'm a stubborn fool sometimes but I still think life is circular.


8 months ago, I was learning how to balance having a brand new one month old daughter, a newly 3 year old son and a deployed husband. Just when I felt like I was catching on, we went to Florida to visit family, get ready for Joshua's R&R and just get away from home for a little while. After Halloween, we returned to Oklahoma and got ready for the holidays and once they had come and gone, we got ready for Joshua to come home. I still don't think there's been enough time to accurately reflect on the deployment as a whole but it feels like I spent much of my time relearning how to find balance in our lives which, again, is where I find myself now.


Yesterday, we took our princess to the doctor for her 9 month check up...it was a simple check of her size and general development. I'm always curious about her height and weight because she is SO much smaller than her brother was (he was the definition of a Buddha-baby). She, on the other hand, is tiny-less than the 20th percentile for both height and weight but healthy. Considering that I wore 2T clothes in Kindergarten, we're not worried. The best part of the visit was that although Joshua has started working again, he was able to come with us. It's the first time he's met the new pediatrician (whom I LOVE!). Afterward, we signed the boy up for summer T-ball and I test drove a new car...Hyundai Santa Fe (kinda love it!). It was just a really nice day-one might even call it normal. 


I'm hopeful that we're well on our way to a balance with homeschooling, Joshua's work, our relationships with each other and our friends and family. I have been reading (although not posting) many of the blogs I love and I'm realizing that blogging is something that I need...something that helps me to know that I'm not alone. So, I'm going to make more of an effort to include writing, reading and commenting into my new routine for me. 


In the meantime, here's some pics I took a few days ago...kids are so much fun.

"It's ok Bubba, I've got your back"

We took the kids to a traveling dinosaur exhibit and they had a facepainting area so the boy got a dragon. This pic is crazy to me because he doesn't look like my little 3 yr old boy, he looks so much older!

"No baby girl, you can't eat the grass."

Playing catch with Daddy

The boy: "I got it! I got it!"

The girl: "I don't want to get hit. I don't want to get hit."