A Heart-Wrenching Good Day

Two years ago tomorrow I was in a hospital in Oklahoma with my mom while my husband skyped from Afghanistan for our daughter’s delivery.

It’s been on my mind a lot this week. In part, of course, because our baby girl is turning two but also because Joshua is once again-thanks to the Army, out of town. He’s not deployed-it’s just a short (anything less than a month is considered short in my book) training separation but he’s still gone. He’s going to miss her birthday and being pregnant again (read: super hormonal), I can’t help but remember the overwhelming feelings of that day two years ago.

I say overwhelming because even now, two years later, I don’t have any other words. I don’t know if there even is a word to describe that sort of emotion. When we first found out I was pregnant, we knew he was going to deploy “soon” but with the Army soon is relative. For a short time, we believed he would still be stateside and would be able to be home for the delivery. Then, the deployment dates changed-or at least our understanding of them changed. Lastly, we were told he would have the option, if we chose, to come home for his R&R during the delivery. It was an agonizing decision. If we had him come home, most of his time would be spent with me and our baby at the hospital and relatively little with our son. Plus, we’d see him for two weeks and not again for over nine months.

We made the “logical” decision. He missed the birth and met us two months later in Florida where our son would have fun even if Daddy was engulfed with the baby. It was the best thing for our son. Daddy didn’t come home and leave again. Daddy wasn’t spending all his time with the baby.

But the logical decision didn’t mean so much when I was alone in the hospital with a newborn. It was  hallow for the next two months as I thought about the worst case scenario…desperately hoping, even praying that if something was going to happen, let it be after R&R-let it be after they met. Morbid, maybe but it was my prayer.

Her birth was the most emotional day of my life. More than when Joshua returned. More than the day I got married. More than when our son was born and I became a mom.

It was a heart-wrenching, good day.

Knee Update

Ok. So a few people have asked about how Joshua's doing with his knee. He's been home from deployment for over a year and the VA has just this month given him an official diagnosis. He tore his medial collateral ligament/MCL (no surprise there) and has early signs of osteo-arthritis in his knee (ugh, something to look forward to). 

We've decided to go with a more conservative route of treatment because right now he has full range of movement-he just has a ton of pain with that movement. Conversely, if we have them go in and replace the MCL (with a cadaver piece-didn't know that was what they used until we saw the surgeon), his range of movement could be drastically effected based on how tight or loose the new MCL is and there's really no way of telling until after the surgery.

They've outfitted him with what I affectionately call his "Terminator" knee brace...it's a huge metal hinged thing that goes from mid-calf to mid-thigh and looks rather daunting. He says it's helping. Anything would be better the the itty-bitty, useless neoprene thing they gave him "over there" but hey, they also threw a few ibuprofen at him so I guess he was fine. He's also finally been set up with weekly physical therapy appointments and scheduled steroid shots. The surgeon has recommended going in and "scraping everything out" (doesn't that sound fun?!). Not sure when that will be scheduled but it's the best they can do short of replacing the MCL. 

So our journey continues.

Goodbye Deployment

Today is so much more than just St Patrick's Day for us. Today marks the one year anniversary that Joshua has been home from deployment. To say I've been anticipating this date would be an understatement. I've been desperate for it...particularly for our children. Reintegration has been hard, at times as hard as the deployment was. Learning how to be a family of four, discovering our marriage again while also simultaneously helping Joshua adjust to how much our son had grown was difficult-Joshua left for the deployment when the boy was two and a half and was gone for 13 months but to be honest, Joshua really left for training when the boy was a year and a half and was gone 19 out of the next 24 months. It took a toll. I'm in awe of how well our son has done but there are remnants of the pain he felt. 

Last week when we took both the kids to the optometrist (neither needed glasses-more than a small miracle itself!), we were about half way through the 45 minutes route when the boy's eyes got huge and filled with tears. I was almost panicked, watching him struggle to get control of himself to be able to tell us what hurt/what was wrong and then he said it...

"Does this mean Daddy is going far, far away again?" 

His four year old mind had linked the one other time he remembered being at the optometrist with his Daddy being gone as it was shortly before Joshua had returned. 

It's not the first time he had asked it...when we were on our way to Disney last September, he had remembered the year before's R&R trip and had a small breakdown thinking we were all going to Florida but that his Daddy wouldn't be coming back with us.

I've been so ready for this day to come. To be able to say a year ago today my husband was home (or at least not being shot at) is a blessing that I treasure. The deployment taught me many lessons but one of the biggest was patience and what long-suffering love really is. It took long-suffering love to get through the deployment but it's also taken a long-suffering love to get through reintegration. We've made it to a year. We're still married...and I'm sad to say that isn't the case for everyone we've walked this journey with. Our children are healthy and happy and we've found our new normal. With Joshua still in the military, I don't take his being home for granted. I recognize and accept we may go through this same cycle again but today, we celebrate the time we've had together.

Maybe it's providential that this anniversary falls on St Patrick's Day. Many mistakenly assume he brought Christianity to Ireland (or miraculously rid it of snakes-although that would certainly be something to celebrate) but what he really did, according to Jon Sweeny who wrote a book about St Patrick, was organize, inspire and expand Christianity within Ireland but he didn't even do that right away. He spent six years as a slave-which is where he discovered his faith and then decades studying before he returned to Ireland. 

Regardless of what the future may hold...what deployments, training separations or anything else we may face, St Patrick's Day will always stand as a personal reminder to "rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character, and character produces hope."

Daddy's Girl

With the chaos of the holidays, Joshua's birthday and the "crud" making it's way through our home, a not-so-small milestone has passed. 

Joshua has officially been home with our princess longer than he was away after she was born.

It's a big deal to all of us because missing her birth was one of the hardest parts of the deployment. No matter how prepared I was, I can still close my eyes and feel the heartache of his absence that day a year and a half ago.

When he returned, we were lucky in that she didn't show fear or anxiety around him and they bonded quickly. Of course it helped that she had a big brother to take her cues from but she and Joshua have a relationship all their own. Now, when he comes home in the evening, she throws her hands up and yells "Da" as she runs to his arms. I'm pretty sure in that moment, if she the ability to ask him for anything in the world, she'd get it.

Reintegration hasn't been a cake walk but milestones like this make it that much easier.

PS>I didn't do a full Christmas post but I have to post a couple obnoxious obligatory Mom pics from Christmas...it was a great year.

Freedom Isn't Free

I hope everyone had a happy and safe 4th of July. I really wanted to write about our plans but in addition to splashing in the kids' pool, taking some holiday pics and grilling steaks, we spent the night eating and blowing things up with some Army friends as a surprise birthday/4th of July party with some of the guys Joshua deployed with. 

It was good to get together especially because the birthday boy (aka Hopper) is a guy whom Joshua hasn't seen since Hopper was seriously injured and air-lifted out. He and his wife have been in my prayers for months. I know that they've both struggled with the injury but they're really an inspiration in strength. Our nation's birth and growth continue because of the sacrifices of men and women like Hopper and their families. 

Deployment...the not-so-friendly ghost

Father's Day was officially three months since Joshua returned and although I'm thrilled/relieved/humbled to say that we've managed the reintegration better than I expected, there are moments when the deployment seems like a ghost in the corner invisible to all but us. Like last month when we went to the local arts festival and a balloon popped. Joshua jumped. Not a huge jump. Not really even out of fear. I was probably the only person who noticed but it threw me back to the nights when I didn't sleep and jumped when someone knocked at the door. Our little ghost is coming around less and less often and although I don't think we'll ever really be free of him, he has less of an impact. 


The thing that does still carry a punch is when I hear someone belittle my husband's service (or any other service member's sacrifice). Being a Guard family, we live in two worlds. It's sometimes a blessing and sometimes a burden. The benefits are obvious...we don't have to move, Joshua will (theoretically) deploy less often and we're not always inside the "Army bubble." Unfortunately, the biggest downside is that many people we live and work with don't understand our life. It's arguable whether that's because the can't understand it or they just won't but either way, it can hurt.


Yesterday, Joshua went to his civilian job with his multi-cam back pack (it's how he prefers to carry his laptop) and a woman he works with (whom I will refer to as L and who knows he's still in the Guard and scheduled to go active duty again soon) stopped him and asked "What's up with the camo bag?"


I don't think Joshua totally understood the question or the reason for it and replied "It's what was issued and I like it." 


L: "But it's not like you're really in the military now."


The room got silent (which at his job is hard to do) and I'm thankful that someone else stepped up and corrected L so that Joshua didn't have to. I understand what she meant by it but it's the attitude behind it that stings. Sometimes, I wish people with that attitude could see our little ghost. Maybe then they'd understand.

Memorial Day

Today has different meaning for me than ever before. Last year it frightened me. This year it humbles me. My husband came home from his deployment but 14 other soldiers from Oklahoma's 45th did not. 

* Second Lt. Jered W. Ewy, 33, of Edmond, on June 29

* Spc. Augustus J. Vicari, 22, of Broken Arrow, on July 29


* Staff Sgt. Kirk Avery Owen, 37, of Sapulpa, on Aug. 2


* Sgt. Anthony Del Mar Peterson, 24, of Chelsea, on Aug. 4


* Second Lt. Joe L. Cunningham, 27, of Kingston, on Aug. 13


* Lt. Damon Leehan, 30, of Moore, on Aug. 14


* Spc. Joshua Michael Seals, 21, of Porter, on Aug. 16


* Pfc. Tony J. Potter Jr., 20, of Okmulgee, on Sept. 9


* Spc. Christopher D. Horton, 26, of Collinsville, on Sept. 9


* Sgt. Bret D. Isenhower, 26, of Lamar, on Sept. 9


* Sgt. Mycal L. Prince, 28, of Minco, on Sept. 15


* Spc. Francisco J. Briseno-Alvarez Jr., 27, of Oklahoma City, on Sept. 25


* Pfc. Sarina Butcher, 19, of Checotah, on Nov. 1


* Spc. Chris Gailey, 26, of Ochelata, on Nov. 1 


We will never forget them or their families. 

Please remember that today is about them and all the other men and women who gave their lives for our country.

Home for TWO Months!

Joshua came home two months ago today. It's a little surreal. In many ways the deployment feels like it was just yesterday but it was such a different day-to-day life that in some ways it really was a lifetime ago. 

Something I once heard in a child development class (I majored in child development if you didn't know-talk about a lifetime ago!) about itty bitty babies is that until they're 8 or 9 months old, they've spent more time in the womb than outside it. I know it's a simple, obvious statement but it really impacted me and it's changed the way I parent. Although we strongly believe in attachment parenting, I'm not big on advertising or preaching it because I don't think it's the only way to successfully parent. It's just the way that works best for us. All that to say, I'm beginning to view the deployment in a similar context. Joshua was gone for 13 months total and it may take us...or at least me...13 months to fully process all that happened in that time.

I don't mean to sound overly dramatic. I'm just the sort of person that needs time and space to really process big events in my life. I can be spontaneous...heck, we eloped but then it's almost like what happens in those times of spontaneity aren't fully real until I can find a quiet corner to process it. I'm probably not making any sense whatsoever but that's ok...nothing new there. What is new, and I attribute it mostly to the deployment, is that I'm much more ok with not making sense. I've always been a people pleaser-concerned with how I looked, both physically and intellectually but with the deployment came a sort of devil-may-care attitude. The insensitive and downright rude things people would ask or say hardened me. Ironically, as much as the deployment hardened me, I also think it softened me. I'm more aware of my weakness. I'm more aware of the things that matter most. And I'm more likely to talk about both...to admit, without shame, my weaknesses and to embrace the things and people I love. 

Deployment sucked. I hated every minute of it but I'm thankful for the things it taught me about myself, my marriage, my family, my friends...every aspect of our lives was crystallized. For that, I'm thankful.

Joshua's Home.

We picked up Joshua on Saturday morning and have had a blast avoiding our phones, laptops and pretty much everything but our four and no more for the last couple days. I don't really have anything wise or introspective looking back at the last 13 months. This deployment was hard. It sucked. There were some good things that came from it too but mostly I'm just glad it's over. My husband is home and safe. There are 14 families that won't have the joy of homecoming that we were blessed to have. 


* Second Lt. Jered W. Ewy, 33, of Edmond, on June 29
* Spc. Augustus J. Vicari, 22, of Broken Arrow, on July 29
* Staff Sgt. Kirk Avery Owen, 37, of Sapulpa, on Aug. 2
* Sgt. Anthony Del Mar Peterson, 24, of Chelsea, on Aug. 4
* Second Lt. Joe L. Cunningham, 27, of Kingston, on Aug. 13
* Lt. Damon Leehan, 30, of Moore, on Aug. 14
* Spc. Joshua Michael Seals, 21, of Porter, on Aug. 16
* Pfc. Tony J. Potter Jr., 20, of Okmulgee, on Sept. 9
* Spc. Christopher D. Horton, 26, of Collinsville, on Sept. 9
* Sgt. Bret D. Isenhower, 26, of Lamar, on Sept. 9
* Sgt. Mycal L. Prince, 28, of Minco, on Sept. 15
* Spc. Francisco J. Briseno-Alvarez Jr., 27, of Oklahoma City, on Sept. 25
* Pfc. Sarina Butcher, 19, of Checotah, on Nov. 1
* Spc. Chris Gailey, 26, of Ochelata, on Nov. 1 


We will never forget their sacrifice.

Waiting for the buses...

The buses were an hour late...it was rough

Ok...he's more choking than hugging here

So excited!

He's back.

We were ready to get out of there!

Up and Down

Without going into details that may cross that ever important OPSEC line, the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster. We've been given dates and locations...had those dates and locations changed...and changed...and changed. STUPID BROKEN PLANES. Most of it was expected...but no less stressful. I finally gave up yesterday, went to the store and bought a 6-pack and cookie dough which I plan to eat in it's entirety without baking (no judgments please). Between that and the retail therapy...I had to buy some new unmentionables...I'm surviving the pre-homecoming jitters. Speaking of buying those fun little clothes, after I dropped off the boy for a playdate, I discovered I should have found someone to watch the girl also because every time I tried something on, she thought it was time to nurse which of course slowed the whole process down dramatically.


Anyway, I don't have this week's Disney post ready and I just don't have the time or mental clarity to work on it so I'm skipping this week. Sorry. I promise that I'll have the first half of the Disney Deluxe Resorts done and ready for you next week...we're going to cover the monorail resorts first because those are often the ones people think of when they think of Disney Resorts.


Here's hoping that I'll have pics to post soon of our family together again.

Anniversary

Normally, I'm not one to post twice in a day but I was looking at the calendar and it dawned on me that Joshua left for deployment a year ago today. He left for training and although we saw him for a few days in March and the boy saw him again in June for a few days (I was too pregnant to travel) before he left the country, it's been a year since he's lived at home. I don't really know what to say and I'm not entirely certain why I thought I should blog about it which is odd for me because I usually only blog when I have a clear idea in mind or I need to vent. Neither is the case today. I'm not upset by the fact that it's been a year. I don't have any pearls of wisdom. It just seemed like it was something that shouldn't go by without at least an acknowledgement. It has been both the hardest year of my life but not entirely bad. I feel closer to Joshua than before he left. We have a beautiful daughter who was born healthy and happy. Our son is thriving. I feel weird saying it but it's been a good year. Of course, every single good moment was bitter sweet. It's been a year. We're almost done.

My Heart Skips A Beat

I hadn't planned on blogging today but this morning I woke up with a migraine that has made it almost impossible to do even the easiest of things. I'm not focusing well (I apologize in advance for the inevitable typos to come), I'm nauseous and have no appetite. All of which has lead to heart palpitations. Don't worry. It's normal...for me.


When I get dehydrated, overly hungry, eat too much sugar or any of about a dozen other triggers, I have palpitations. A simple head cold like what I assume I'm experiencing now can bring it all on. I have what's called SVT...or super ventricular tachycardia. Sexy, right?! In a nutshell, the electrical current is messed up and my heart skips beats, it also speeds up and pumps before it actually has a chance to fill with blood...which hurts. It's not so debilitating that I have to go to the hospital...not normally at least. There are tricks to reverse the tachycardia and ways to avoid defribulation. It's not generally considered a life-threatening condition in and of itself. It is a giant pain in the butt when I'm pregnant (which of course I'm not) but more than anything on deployment days like today, it makes me miss my husband.


He doesn't baby me when I have "an episode." He doesn't ignore me either. He knows what will make it better and he knows that I hate it. I hate being weak. I hate being broken. But most of all I hate that I did it to myself. I don't talk about it much because it's literally my heart and it's difficult to admit. I damaged my heart by not eating. Anorexia. It's not a word I like to use because it congers up images of bony, damaged girls. I'm healthy now...well, apart from my heart. I eat. I love to eat. I still don't always see myself the way I should but it doesn't stop me from making healthy choices. It's just another thing that's easier when Joshua's home. Really everything is easier. I'm more myself when I'm with him. I'm more confident. I can relax. Ironically, one of the tips my cardiologists have repeated over the years is to meditate and relax as much as possible because stress only aggravates the condition. I try but honestly, I won't fully be able to relax until he's home. He's my best friend. He makes my heart skip a beat in a good way and I miss him.


So, today, while everyone is enjoying their chocolates (and other caffeinated, overly sugary yummy stupid things that I can't have-no bitterness really) and holding their husbands, I'm holding my breath (vagal maneuver) and waiting for mine to return. A year from now I hope I remember today. I hope I remember how lucky I will be to eat chocolate and hold Joshua.

Stop Stirring and Start Talking

By now, many of you have probably read a certain Army Wife from Vermont's self-admitted blog rant about the differences she sees between active Army and Guardsmen. To say it was one-sided would be kind. She relegated the entire Vermont Army National Guard to no better than uneducated, step-child status...in fact, she made it clear that they are classless, prone to PTSD, sacrifice less and aren't even "soldiers."


I'm a Guardsman's wife so I clearly am biased but as much as I'd like to return fire for fire...and I could especially considering most of her contentions were factually wrong, it's pointless. She's clearly an "upper" and it wouldn't do any good. So, I'm ignoring her and addressing the rest of the military blogging community. Instead of attacking an entire branch of the US military, why can't we have a grown up discussion over the differences. 


Every branch is different. 


Every branch makes sacrifices the others don't. 


Every branch has perks the others don't.


As a Guard family, my husband will, over the course of his career, most likely deploy less frequently than an active duty Army family. We knew that when he joined. It's one of the reasons he went Guard. Although, let's be honest, the idea that it will be four years before he deploys again is almost laughable...actually it is laughable because once he returns he's only considered non-deployable for two and a half years. And then, of course, you have to take into consideration the bill proposed by President Obama which will shrink the military 10-15% over the next ten years. When asked how the military will compensate for the inevitable troop shortage, Obama has said the federal government will rely more heavily on Guard and Reserve components. Now, if you want to talk about how Guard units are first and foremost a state militia....how they should be at home protecting the interests of the state and not abroad fighting for the federal government, that's a valid contention. That's something we can discuss. But let's be honest, that's not the current situation. Right now, Guard and Reserve units fight and die next to active duty units every day.


Another difference: PCSing. We don't. Active duty families do. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have to pack up and move every three years. How much of a strain that must be on children and the military spouse's career. But I can also see it as an exciting way to travel the country, even the world. As a Guard family, we don't PCS to another base...in fact, we don't live anywhere near a base. The two closest military installations are both Air Force bases and each over an hour away. To make it to a monthly FRG meeting my kids and I have to drive up to three hours each way...for a meeting that generally lasts less than two hours but we do it because our every day lives are surrounded by civilians who often just don't understand and that short window every month we're with people who know what we know and feel what we feel.


Which brings me to the last difference I'm going to write about today: civilian jobs. It's true active duty guys don't come home to civilian lives. They're surrounded by the Army their entire careers. When my husband returns from his deployment, he'll go back to work for a civilian company. He'll be at a job where people won't understand why in the beginning he might flinch when there's a loud noise. We live with the knowledge that although there's legal protection for his civilian job, there's also an economic reality and a Guardsman cannot always give what a civilian can give to a civilian job. The fact is promotions can be negatively affected. It's understandable too from the employers perspective.


We constantly live in two worlds. That doesn't make us classless. That doesn't make my husband more likely to have PTSD when he returns. That doesn't make our sacrifices any less. That doesn't make us less than an active duty Army family. It makes us different. 

Reintegration

I'm staying VERY busy in anticipation of Joshua's return...it's still not so close I can feel it but I definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel. We've talked about visiting friends in Nashville, Houston and El Paso. We've talked about a trip to Great Wolfe Lodge. We've talked about family bike rides and camping trips. We've mostly talked about just turning off the phones and computers and staying home. It's going to be great.


That said, I'm realizing more now what people mean when they talk about some of the difficulties of reintegration. I'm not worried at this point...just more aware. Today, the boy came to me and said that he was excited for Daddy to come home and sleep in the boy's room with him just like the girl sleeps with me now (I co-sleep with the baby because I'm nursing and it's just what works for us). He even pointed out the fact that he has a second bed just for Daddy (bunk beds that we separated). I was able to brush him off and say that's silly-baby girl sleeps with Mommy because she's a baby and he's a big boy. I tried to remind him about before Joshua left and how at R&R he had his own bed and we had our own bed. And then I told him about all the big boy things he and Daddy will do like fishing and buying a big boy bike but I worry that the sibling rivalry we've somehow miraculously avoided until now will make an appearance.


I'm a little anxious about what it will be like to actually be a family of four together. Other than R&R, we've never parented two children and since R&R was at Disney World, it wasn't exactly a real life experience (which is what we were going for at the time). I have zero doubts that Joshua will step up and be the amazing Dad to both kids that he's always been for the boy. Seriously, he's awesome and it's totally natural. Kind of annoying really. I majored in child development and was a nanny for years...to kids ranging from two weeks to twelve years and for families with one kid, triplets or in one case, ten kids (yeah, ten...T-E-N!) and yet, it's not uncommon for Joshua to teach me a thing or two about parenting. 


Like I said, I'm not really worried at this point, just more aware. I guess it's kind of like when you're pregnant and everyone decides that's the best time to start telling you all the pregnancy and birth horror stories they know. I've just been hearing some not so pleasant reintegration stories and I think I just need to treat them like I treated all the stories when I was pregnant. Ignore them. Prepare the best we can. Hope. Pray. And deal with whatever happens.

Sometimes Violence Is the Answer

I've heard it said that there are no bad days...so long as you're alive and breathing under your own power, it's a good day. I disagree. There are days that just suck. Pain in the butt, Murphy's Law sort of days. Today tried to be one of those days.


I was prepared for today to be long. I had a ton of things to do and I knew I'd be out and about with the kids for at least 12 hours. Being out of the house in and of itself used to not be a big deal but alone with two small kids 12 hours can feel more like 12 days sometimes.


The first stop on our agenda was an eye appointment for me. It was desperately needed as the boy broke my only glasses and I'm down to just two sets of contacts left. Unfortunately the closest optometrist which will accept Tricare is 45 minutes away. So, I loaded the kids up and we were on our way...


Twenty minutes into our journey and we had an accident. Long story short...er...we were on a two lane, middle of nowhere highway/country road. The oncoming traffic (not very busy) had a shoulder but not much of one. On our side was a ditch from which Bambi jumped. 


Stupid Bambi. 


So in about .5 seconds I had to decide Bambi or on-coming traffic...which happened to be a GMC Sierra. Nine out of ten times Bambi would be dead right now and don't get me wrong, I didn't avoid Bambi because PETA wanted me to. I chose the on-coming traffic for three reasons...


1-about a year and a half ago my Aunt hit a deer and it was bad-really bad
2-the on-coming traffic wasn't right there...he had more space and time to react-not to mention a shoulder to go onto 
and
3-if I hit Bambi I was almost certain we'd end up in the ditch, possibly rolling the truck because Bambi was baby Bambi...Bambi was Big Daddy Bambi. 


Yeah, all that and a little prayer that the other guy was paying attention and could swerve in time went through my mind in about .5 seconds. Thankfully, he was paying attention and did swerve but he just couldn't get his truck over far enough and we side-swiped each other. Both our our driver-side mirrors are shot and the glass from his mirror shot back and embedded itself in the glass of his window. I'm pretty amazed my own window didn't shatter with how hard the mirror hit.


We exchanged insurance information but since I'm the one who crossed the center line, it's on me. It's the first time I've been in an accident that was my fault since I was a stupid teenager and the first time anything this scary has happened while I had kids with me. 


I called my insurance agent (great guy btw) and tried repeatedly to get a hold of my husband. I tried texting and calling his Afghanistan phone, I emailed him on gmail, facebook emailed, facebook posted. All of which trying not to be like "OMG call me NOW!" and freak him out but firm enough that if he got it he would know to call right away because I was freaked out and all I wanted was for my husband to call me back. Which he did, three hours later. Granted-three hours in deployment time is less than nothing but it still sucked.


The rest of the day for the most part was unproductive and frustrating. The one highlight was visiting the Science Museum with a fellow deployment wife (different branch and different deployment but same frustrations) and her kids.


The real saving grace for my day was my second ever Krav Maga class. If you've never heard of it, basically it's a self-defense technique (and now fitness class) originated by the Israeli Defense Forces. Basically they teach you to use whatever you can and to hit as hard as you can without stopping until there's no longer a threat. It's fun and tonight I needed it. I hit so hard half of my knuckles are slightly bruised even with using grappling gloves and I'm pretty sure picking up my daughter tomorrow will hurt a lot but it was just what I needed to release the stress from the day.

OPSEC

I've wanted to write a post about OPSEC for a little while now. For my civilian friends and family OPSEC is Operational Security. Basically, it's keeping vital information from getting into the wrong hands. Bits of information like troop size, training and movements...and more often for those of us left behind, it's information regarding when our loved ones are leaving or coming home (ie: "yay, my husband will be home in [insert any specific amount of time]!"). It may seem like everyday information worthy of a facebook update. In fact, it's common to see civilian friends posting about their upcoming family vacation or their husband's business trip but when it involves the military, when it's R&R, training or deployment, it's an OPSEC violation and it needs to stop.

The closer we get to homecoming the easier it would be to forget OPSEC in our eager anticipation. I said that I've wanted to write about this for a while and there were a couple specific OPSEC violations that were bugging me but to be honest, I didn't want to be "that" wife. The one who's getting onto everyone for breaking the rules...it kind of feels like the grown up equivalent of the kid in class who would remind the teacher that she forgot to assign homework. But the fact is OPSEC violations are deadly serious. You don't know who's listening or reading what you're saying. You don't know what their intentions are.

The old saying "loose lips sink ships" is the heart of OPSEC. I can't tell you that every facebook or blog post with an OPSEC violation will get someone hurt or ruin a mission but the fact is, every one of them has the potential to get someone hurt or ruin a mission. Also, I can tell you that when OPSEC violations occur, deployments can change...as in they leave home early or stay away longer. 

If keeping the troops safe, missions secure and deployments from being extended aren't enough reasons, OPSEC is there to protect those of us at home too. Last fall, a couple men in the Oklahoma City area dressed in ACUs and tried to con the family of a Navy service member who was away on deployment. These men claimed to be Army Casualty Notification Officers and told the Navy Wife that her husband had been killed. They then tried to get her to sign some papers. She refused and called the base her husband was stationed out of to learn he was alive and well. To my knowledge, the men were never arrested. The cruel hoax was a gut check for all of us who were in the midst of deployment when it happened. It's another reason for us to be vigilant when we're posting online or in the check out line and someone asks just one too many questions. It's why OPSEC matters at home too.

Sunday Morning

I miss our Sunday mornings. This morning I woke up to realize that there's a limited number of Sunday mornings left until Joshua gets home. Holding onto that fact...he's going to be home soon...is like holding onto a life preserver. We've made it over ten months now but it's been just "making it." It hasn't been the life we had before he left or the life we'll have when he returns. It's been an interim of survival. There have been happy moments and good memories but nothing compared to what a simple Sunday morning will be when he's home...

As the official night owl of the family, I'll sleep in and wake up to the sounds and smells of Joshua cooking the only meal which has always been his...homemade waffles, scrambled eggs and turkey bacon. The boy will no doubt be on a chair "helping" while our little princess will be in her high chair watching everything. I'll take two waffles but struggle to finish just one because as yummy as they are, I can never eat very much that early in the day. Joshua will laugh at me but then finish my plate without complaint. Then, he and I will snuggle on the couch and watch the CBS Sunday Morning News with Charles Osgood while the kids play (hopefully in another room...or quietly...both would be awesome but I'm trying to be realistic). We'll stay on the couch up until the last possible moment and then the madness will set in as we try to get dressed, get the kids dressed and make it on time to the late service at church.

It probably sounds boring to most people but it's one of the things I miss and look forward to most. In the meantime, the boy and I are having toaster strudels and pre-cut grapefruit for breakfast, I'm DVR-ing the Sunday Morning News and yet we're still going to have madness as I try to get dressed, get the kids dressed and make it on time to the late service at church.

Abandoned by Technology

This deployment has brought with it a technological curse. Since Joshua left in February, here's a list of the things which have either become possessed or straight up died on me...in no particular order...

Waffle Maker

Laptop-only briefly until the Laptop Dr could fix it-Thank God!

Breast Pump

Cell phone-actually 2 cell phones, 3 different times

Washing Machine

Battery in my truck

Fuse Box-for the house...meaning no power to two rooms until it was fixed

Address Book-file on computer

DVD player in the truck-on the drive back from Florida

Laptop Cooling Thing-not the internal fan but the thing it sits on and has a fan that is powered by the laptop via USB (made a funny/slightly terrifying smell when it died)

iPod Shuffle

Dishwasher

And most recently...as in yesterday, my printer.

I'm not sure if that's an excessive amount, given that it's been 10 months and I'm sure most, if not all of these mini-disasters would have happened anyway but I married Joshua for two big reasons (other than the whole I love him and want to spend my life with him thing)...

A-he's tall...you know, so he can reach things that I can't and I can breed height back into my gene pool

and

B-he can fix just about anything...sure, I know how to fix a flat tire and if I absolutely had to, I could even change my own oil...probably...but that's just it, I married Joshua so I would never have to do anything remotely resembling mechanical/electrical work. 

So, I'm counting the days and praying nothing else breaks between now and when Joshua comes home because at this point, I'll most likely leave anything that abandons me for him to fix.

No More Grinch

I've been in a funk lately and try as I might, I couldn't shake it. I couldn't will myself out of it. Which, for me, is very humbling because I see it as a weakness. It wasn't depression in the most dramatic sense, it was heart ache at the season and all that we're missing compounded with well-intended, ignorant people. The kind of people who think the song I'll Be Home For Christmas is a sweet song that should cheer me up...for the record, it's not sweet. It's more like soul-crushing.

But, then a friend emailed me (thanks again) and shared with me what helped her through her fiance's recent deployment. It wasn't the kind of email that gave me a three step solution to my problem or told me what I should be doing. It was just her experience and her recognition of how hard it can be during the holidays. I guess, in a sense, it reminded me that I'm not the only one doing this. It's been done since the beginning of time and the first war began.

Don't get me wrong, my funk wasn't a pity-party where I thought I was the only one having to deal with a difficult situation. It was just pain. It's so easy to get caught up in pain and isolation and allow it to pull you down even more, which in the end, just causes more pain and more isolation.

So, I'm going to try harder to remember that it's almost over, I'm not alone and maybe I'll manage to be a little less Grinch-y. In fact, we're going to a holiday parade this evening and after we'll probably drive around looking at lights. In fact, it could be fun to come up with ideas of what I want Joshua to do with our lights next year...because we will be going BIG next year with our lights.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

A commercial came on (which is a rare event in our house-usually the boy is only allowed to watch movies or dvr'd TV and I never have time to watch TV live) and the boy's reaction took me by surprise. He was watching Beauty and The Beast live on the Disney Channel. The commercial was for the Joining Forces Campaign with the first lady and a couple Disney stars-I have no idea who they are...some teeny bopper boy band or Hannah Montana actors-is that even still on?-I'm not sure but thankfully we're not at that stage yet so I don't have to know such things. 

I tried to find a youtube clip of the commercial so you could see it but I couldn't find it. Most of the commercial was the two young Disney stars talking about what it's like to grow up in a military family...the good and some of the bad. Mrs. Obama then made her plea to go to the White House's Joining Forces website. 

Anyway, the boy was glued to the TV and I could see the wheels turning so when the commercial ended, I paused the TV and waited for him to say whatever it was that he needed to say.

Boy: "I don't like that."

Me: "Ok...what don't you like?"

Boy: "Their Daddy was gone."

Me: "Yes. Their Daddy was a soldier like your Daddy. They're a military family and sometimes military families like us have to be away from each other."

Boy: "I don't want to do that anymore."

Me: "Me neither little man. What would make you feel better?"

Boy: "Popcorn chicken."

Me: "That I can do." 

So that's what we did. Sometimes I think I forget how hard this is on the boy because he's handled it so well. It's easy to mistake his ability to deal with the deployment as him being ok with the deployment. Other times I think I delude myself into believing he doesn't understand it when I know even without days like today that he understands it better than I do sometimes. He knew what would make him feel better and he let it work. We had popcorn chicken and now, he's scaring off an imaginary dinosaur from attacking his sister.