When Words Are Gone

If you've read my blog for any amount of time or know me in real life, you know we've suffered multiple miscarriages. More than I care to think about much less discuss very often. But even with all my own experience, or maybe in part because of it, when someone I know goes through a miscarriage of their own, I'm often left speechless and numb.

This weekend, I found out that a childhood friend whom I respect and love lost her twin girls. At seven months. 

She lives too far away to comfort her in person and to be honest, I doubt she'd want me there. I wouldn't blame her. The emotions are so raw and so diverse. Anger. Indescribable heart-ache. Bitterness. Questioning. Numbness. Guilt. There's often no room left for anyone else. Most women don't want to deal with questions of how and why, other people's grief over her loss or platitudes about how it was "meant to be."

Granted, each woman grieves in her way and some may want solitude, some a grand gathering to distract her. Some want all traces of the child gone before she comes home from the hospital, some will cling to those reminders like a lifeline. All of that will sort itself out but only prayer and the Peace that surpasses all understanding can hold a woman together when her world has fallen apart. I've experienced it. I know what it's like to be totally destroyed and let the Lord put me back together. I've had friends and family hold me with their prayers and comfort me with their silence. I knew their hearts were with me when I couldn't be with them.

If you know someone going through a miscarriage  here's some tips (in my humble opinion) of what you can do to ease their pain...

*Remember the father. So many times people forget that he's grieving too. 

*If you're not in their inner-circle, leave them alone. Certainly pray for them and send a card or token if you'd like but now is not the time to flood a woman with acquaintances.

*If you are a part of their inner-circle, find out what they want. Talk to the father or mother of the mother. Do they want a group of people to be at their bedside, just a couple or even no one at all? Do they want to come home to the baby stuff or need it removed?

*Drop off food. It's so easy to forget to eat or not have the ability to cook when your grief doesn't allow you to think straight.

*Take your cues from the couple. Be there when they want you, go away when they want to be alone.

*Don't tell them that it's God's plan. Even if you believe it. Even if you know they believe it. Now is not the time.

*Just pray.

Happy You-Day to All Would-Be Moms

Mother's Day is here. It can be a great time where you're able to celebrate your own mom and all she's done for you and it can be a day where you look back and marvel at your own children but for women who have suffered miscarriages or struggle with infertility, it can be a painful day. 

To those women I want to say you're not alone. You may not end up with the family you dreamed of as a child yourself but there are other ways and other dreams. You can get through this season. I thought our third miscarriage was going to break me. I remember falling apart and telling some of our close friends that I was tired of feeling like a tomb. You see, for me, getting pregnant was easy. Staying pregnant has always been the hard part. We wanted a HUGE family and after two successful (and very high risk/difficult pregnancies) we realize now that our huge family will come but it will come mostly through adoption. It's going to take more time and effort but we'll get there.

I hope that you have all the support, the chocolate, lemon-drop martinis and chick flicks or whatever else you need to get through this season. Celebrate you today. Spoil yourself. You deserve it.