whew...busy day

The boy and I started our day about an hour and a half before we normally do but it was well worth it. The newborn shoot I had went super well...I've begun editing the pics and I'm feeling really good about it. Here's one that I particularly like...

Before the shoot, the boy and I had to go to Home Depot and Walmart (it's insane how much money we send at that store...I'm really considering buying stock in it). And afterwards, we went to a friend's house to help out. She had an event at church and her hubby's Air Guard away on his two weeks. So for about 4 hours, I had 3 boys under the age of 3...it sounds kind of frightening when you put it that way but it was actually a lot of fun. I loved seeing the boy (my boy) start to transition from parallel play to interactive play and holding the baby was a treat. An even better treat came as we pulled into our driveway....Joshua called! I was only supposed to be able to talk to him for half an hour but ended up getting almost 45 minutes. It's amazing how much those extra minutes mean.

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It was a long but great day, I only wish I had been able to partake in a "MilSpouse" BlogHop that a blogger friend I follow put on...sounded like a fun thing...next time for sure.

Pics

Tomorrow, I have a newborn shoot that I'm a little nervous about...the last newborn shoot I had wasn't too great. The baby was screaming pretty much the entire time and I ended up with only a handful of really quality shots. So, if you can, say a quick prayer because this isn't just any shoot, this is a newborn shoot for a friend and her baby girl...

Phantom Pain

Experts describe "phantom pain" in the most basic sense as "pain that's coming from a body part that's no longer there." That is the closest description I've been able to find for how I feel with Joshua gone. On a practical level, I know that my pain doesn't come close to that of those who loose a limb but emotionally, a part of me is gone. Every time I read a funny email and click to forward it to Joshua I'm reminded that he won't get it for months. Whenever the boy does something funny or frustrating like this morning when he (WARNING: IF YOU DON"T HAVE CHILDREN, THIS MAY REALLY GROSS YOU OUT, DON'T FINISH THE SENTENCE) took off his diaper and crapped in the corner...brought a whole new meaning to having a crappy day. The first thing I did, after cleaning up, was grab my phone. I hit the quick link button on the face of my phone to text Joshua and typed in "you will NOT believe what YOUR child just did." I had just finished typing the word "did" when it dawned on me that Joshua wasn't at work 2 miles away from our home as he used to be; he wouldn't come home at lunch and give me a mini-break to recover from the morning. It's been nearly two months but I still forget from time to time. He's 409 miles away (yes, I googled it) and the only way he'll know about today's little adventure is if I write him or remember to tell him the next time he calls. He's my best friend and before he left, we were that couple that rarely went out without each other. We're home-bodies and we'd rather stay home playing Monopoly (ok, I'd rather play Monopoly, he'd rather play Wii) than go out with other people. In fact, I think I used to like my occasional girl's night out so much because at the end of the night, I got to go home to him and the boy. I miss him and today the "phantom pain" is a little stronger than usual.

Bragging

I just got a surprise call from Joshua because his platoon won extra phone time by winning the marksmanship banner with the final test. He didn't do as well in the final test as he had in a previous qualifier, 33 out of 40 targets ranging from 50-300 yards instead of the 39 out of 40 he had done previously but he also had pink eye today. So, for him to qualify at sharp shooter with pink eye is, in my opinion, pretty awesome. I'm very proud of my soldier tonight, as always.

Lists

To say that I have a "Type A" personality would be a massive understatement. My mom has told me (and I vaguely recall) that when I was a child and had to stay home from school either because of illness or just a school holiday, I would write out my schedule which in and of itself isn't that surprising but the thing is, I did so before I knew how to write. I would take my chicken scratches to my mom and explain that I would be waking up at 7am, quickly followed by getting dressed...I had the whole day mapped out. Not much has changed in the last 20-some odd years except now my lists are color-coded and on much cuter stationary. I have 2 dry erase boards in my kitchen, a magnetic notepad on the fridge, and there's always a notepad in my purse/diaper bag. There are two more pads next to the computer, one on the cocktail table in our living room and finally one on the nightstand on my side of the bed. I never thought my love affair with lists could get much worse and then Joshua left for BCT. Now, I keep an on-going list of what I really want to talk to him about for whenever the next phone call may happen-I started that after the first 10 second call. I also keep a list of what I want to write him about...the fun, cute things the boy does, the annoying things the dogs do and the things I'm looking forward to doing together when he's home again. Don't get me wrong, I write him every day but I've discovered that if I don't write it down in the moment, no matter how quickly I get to his letter, I end up forgetting something. I recognize that my lists are all just a not-so-subconscious way of controlling the situation even when the situation isn't really in my control. So many times over the last month and a half, I've felt out of control...not a feeling that sits well with me but I'm learning, slowly, to adjust. I'm learning to let go and try not to stress.

Alien Boys

When you get married, everyone tells you to expect to learn "new" and sometimes "odd" things about your spouse-especially when you don't live together first as was the case for my husband and I. For the most part, I got exactly what I expected...he didn't leave the tube off the tooth paste or forget to put the toilet seat down. He is in most respects, very easy to cohabitate with but there was one thing I discovered that has boggled my mind for years...it's just weird. Joshua, my hubby, HATES having water in his ears. Ok, I'm sure you're thinking, that's not so weird, right? Well, I agree, it's what he does to solve the problem of water in his ears that I think is just bizarre. He likes to take a couple Q-tips and stick them in his ears...still, not so strange...but then he walks around the house with them sticking out of his head like little alien antennae for as much as 20 minutes...yeah, and HE makes fun of ME for being a Trekkie...he looks like he could be on Star Trek. Again, in and of itself, no big deal, right? Wrong. Because tonight, after the boy had his bath, I caught him take a couple Q-tips, stick them in his ears and walk away. This was not the first time he has mimicked his father's bizarre habit but I had hoped that this particular habit would disappear while Joshua was away. Now, I'm afraid one day I'll have to warn some lucky girl that the amazing guy she loves will from time to time, look like an alien.

Evil Ebay Seller

Ok, I'm going to the mattresses (my hubby would be so proud of me for using that phrase) with an ebay seller. Two weeks before Easter, I purchased a new outfit for my little boy which was listed as "nwt toddler EASTER outfit" complete with super cute plaid shorts, white polo and a matching plaid hat (which I knew the child would refuse to wear but it was so cute I couldn't resist). The day after Easter, I left a comment saying that I was disappointed that the outfit had never arrived and I would probably not be using the seller again. An hour later, I received an email saying it had been shipped but it didn't have a tracking number...ugh. Ok, whatever...it's not like I needed it for Easter...I just wanted it. Well, that was OVER two weeks ago and it has still not arrived so I "officially" opened an Ebay case-whatever that means. By the time this thing arrives, if it ever does, the kid will be too big for it.

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The thing that's the most frustrating for me is that normally Joshua takes care of stuff like this. He's the one to call and complain or talk to a manager. Sure, he does it because I ask him to-he's so laid back, I don't think it would even occur to him to complain if it wasn't for me (...which makes me wonder if I'm a bad influence on him...but that's a topic for another day). He's just better at it than I am. I tend to get emotional and then I end up saying something stupid. Luckily this customer service issue is online so most of the communication is emailed but I still wish Joshua was here to do it. It also makes me appreciate companies and places like Walt Disney World that much more-they're amazing when it comes to customer service. Don't get me wrong, things don't always go perfectly but when problems occur, they go above and beyond to fix it.

Operation:Cute One

Ok, those of you who don't know me in real life will, I hope, be able to take this post with a grain of salt...

You see, I'm the cute one in the relationship, or at least I like to think so. Don't get me wrong, my husband's hott but when I got pregnant with the boy, it was Joshua and not I who kept the pregnancy weight. He blames it on the fact that I was able to nurse and shed the pounds pretty quickly...an excuse I don't let him get away with too often-especially since on two separate occasions, the boy tried to nurse from Joshua and "latched" on...HILARIOUS (from my perspective)! Picture it: they were both sound asleep and Joshua was shirtless when apparently the boy woke for a night nursing and then out of nowhere all I heard was "YOU LITTLE SH**"...coming from a man who rarely if ever curses. But I digress, this is supposed to be about me being the cute one...when Joshua and I finally agreed upon his enlistment into military, he started to work out and most of his preggie weight just disappeared in that annoying way only a man can manage. His arms and shoulders built up first and though you couldn't see them, there was a 6 pack just under the surface. Now, my love's at BCT and he has informed me that the 6 pack is in full view and yes, he has that ever allusive V...you know the one I mean...the one they had when while dating but somewhere between "I do" and returning from the honeymoon, it disappears never to be seen again.

I say all this not just to brag on Joshua (although I am pretty proud) but also because I'm worried...my 6 pack has never really existed...and since the boy changed everything, even flat (at least in my tummy area) has been a challenge so my mission while Joshua's gone is to get back to what I looked like when we were dating, or as close as this post-baby body can...mission codename: Operation:Cute One

You know you have a toddler boy when....

1-Before he can say the word "stinky" he pulls his feet to his nose, sniffs, pinches his nose and says "EWW"

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2-He shouts out "PEN1S" while you're changing his diaper...in a public restroom...at a nice restaurant

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3-Everything in sight is a target to be hit, tackled or in some other way subdued

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4-Before he can walk down stairs, he's trying to "work-out" with Daddy

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5-There's a constant battle cry coming from your home

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6-You find yourself apologizing to random strangers because your child just chest-butted them

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7-You find yourself apologizing to random strangers because your child just chased their little girl ALL over the zoo playground

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8-You find yourself thankful for 90 lb dogs because at least they can take the "hugs" whereas a smaller beast may have been crushed with love

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9-You know the 2 greatest toys in the world are a stick and anything that resembles a ball

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10-You know that at any moment, you may have to go to the hospital because the kid shoved something up his nose or in his ear

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11-Spiderman, Superman and Buzz Lightyear have taken over your home

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12-You find lots of treasures while emptying pockets to do laundry...rocks, sticks...small creatures

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13-You discover your child has a talent for making dogs howl on cue

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14-You have to disconnect the "motion sensor" baby monitor at 9 months because the child has learned how to stand in the corner not moving to make the alarm go off in the middle of the night just so he can laugh at you as you run in

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15-"Toys-Sirs-Us" and "Frizz-er-bees" are your two new favorite words

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16-All icky/gross things are the highlight of your child's day

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17-The Poison Control 1-800 number is on your refrigerator...and in your cell phone...and posted next to the home phone...and on the diaper bag tag...all just in case

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18-You do a Happy Dance when the dog eats the kazoo

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19-You only really worry when it gets quiet

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20-When you tell him that's the last cookie, you get this as a response...

But the best way to know if you have a toddler boy is if every time you look at him, he melts your heart

New Lives

I've been absent from the blogging world for about a week. Last Thursday the boy and I dropped off the dogs and went to his Godparent's house for a long weekend. There were two main purposes, 1-they had their gender ultrasound for their first baby (a girl!) and 2-I had an appointment to take maternity shots for another mom-to-be in the area. They live about 3 hours away which is just enough time that we couldn't do it in a day and so must either bring the beasts or board the beasts. As Joshua is still at Ft Leonard Wood, bringing them was out of the question in my mind but when we dropped them off, something strange happened, the boy had a melt down. Not the I'm-annoyed-to-be-in-my-carseat meltdown but the fearful meltdown of seperation anxiety. It was aweful and since I had only managed 4 hours of sleep the night before, I broke down and did the easy thing, candy...it was not the last time I would do that over the next few days (and sadly, I now have a little candy monster on my hands who will have to readjust to life without so much sugar).

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Something that VERY few people knew this weekend was that I thought I might be pregnant. When I did the math, I realized that if I was, baby #2 would arrive at least 2-3 months before any "potential" deployment but if I wasn't, it's likely, no matter how quickly pregnancy happens after Joshua's return that he will not be home for the delivery. This hit me hard as a woman/blogger whom I recently began following (actually about a day after I started following her), posted the worst fear of any military wife. Her brave Marine had died and she was home with the baby girl he hadn't seen. It would be easier to have this conversation with my husband, in person or even online in real time, but instead, we have to communicate via letters right now. About an hour after the ultrasound and just as we were beginning to shop for all things baby girl, I found out that I wasn't pregnant. It didn't hit me how bad I wanted another baby now until I knew it wasn't there. I went to the bathroom and cried for a few minutes but knowing that there was nothing I could do but go on and be happy for my friend, I spent the weekend shopping and talking about what shade of pink would look best and how she would be the most beautiful baby girl ever. When we got home and went to the mailbox, it all hit me again. Inside was a letter from Joshua, excited and certain I was pregnant. I had high hopes of talking to him Sunday so that I could tell him as "in person" as possible but no phone call came so now he'll learn it in a letter and my heart breaks for him. This last weekend and the lack of communication at a time when I really wanted and needed my best friend felt like my real introduction into military life.

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On a much happier note, the pics from the shoot turned out really well...here's a few of my favorites...hope you enjoy!

Civility

Last week, we found a lost dog...he was tiny and there was a storm coming so I took him in. It wasn't the easiest thing as our home is not huge and he was essentially terrified of our big dogs though they did their best to be welcoming. Even the boy was very gentle with him which considering that he's used to literally wrestling with the big boys, I was pretty proud.

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We took all the typical steps to find his owners...left a message with our town's animal control guy (yup, we live in a town so small we have one police officer who is in charge of animal control, Quinton, everyone knows Quinton...), took the little guy who didn't have a collar to the only vet in town to see if he was microchiped with no success, posted a FOUND dog ad on craigslist and searched the paper for a missing dog announcement. All to no avail.

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He didn't fit in with our family and as the boy and I are going out of town Thursday and I didn't want to pay for a 3rd dog to be boarded, I started putting feelers out for a new home. I found a great new home but was going to wait until the last minute to drop him off because I wanted to give the owner every chance possible.

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Then this morning, before anyone in house was awake, someone began POUNDING on our door. I am NOT a morning person so I ignored the first set of pounding hoping it was just neighborhood kids being bratty (although I knew it had never happened before). With the second set of floor shaking pounding, I got out of bed...mostly in hopes that I could dismiss the person before they woke the boy. It was a woman about my age with a school-aged boy who was crying.

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The woman: "Are you the (our last name)s?"

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Me: "uh, yeah...?"

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The kid: sob sob sob

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The woman: "You have MY dog, give him back to me now!"

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Me: (still not totally awake) "uh, the little thing?" (thing was not the word going through my mind as it was the most clingy, whiny, annoying dog in the world

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The kid: gasping looking at his mom with hope

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The woman: "Yes, hurry up, I have to get my son to school" (as she proceeds to enter my home without an invitation which is a BIG no-no in my world)

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Me: "We have large dogs that are not stranger friendly, please stay on the porch and I'll bring the little dog to the door" (not knowing his name was super frustrating)

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The woman: "It's my dog and I'll come in and get him if I want"

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Me: thinking: ...not a good idea woman...I grab the little thing and before I turn the corner I ask "can you tell me a distinguishing mark so I know it's your dog?"

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The kid: excited "YEAH, he has a white..."

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The woman: interrupts to yell "OH MY GOD, I DON'T have time for this sh**, I'm coming in to get him or I'll just call the police"

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The kid: sobbing again "PLEASE mom!"

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Me: "Seriously??"

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The woman: rolling her eyes, "He has a f***ing diamond on the back of his neck"

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Me: "Great, here you go."

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The kid: "OH Bo, I've missed you" (oh it's named Bo, good to know)

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The woman: to her son "Get in the f***ing truck NOW!"

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Me: "you're welcome...no, don't worry about the dog food or kennel I had to buy because he couldn't eat the big food and when left out he ate my son's toy...your thanks is more than enough..." (of course everything after welcome wasn't heard because they were already in the truck and speeding away)

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I'm pretty sure that she got my address and name from Quinton (who, btw, never actually called me back himself) but the whole ordeal was disheartening. When did it become ok to treat people like that? I know this was an extreme case but every time I go to the store or the library, I see rude people. People who don't seem to care that the words "Please and Thank You" are missing from their vocabulary. Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of days when I was irritated about one person or situation and took it out on another but as a whole it seems like our "connected" society has become so accustomed to getting exactly what they want, when they want it that they've disconnected from civility.

The Boy's Day

My day was LONG and not the best (too long of a story for here tonight) but as always, my son reminded me why "they" say parenthood is the best gift in the world. We went outside to play for a bit before bath time and bedtime...here's how it went...

My son, eating a stick-so proud...fiber, right?

This is when the boy realized one of the dogs was peeing on his beach ball...he was so offended!

Tragically, the petal fell off his flower so...

...immediately he went to work, trying to fix it...like father, like son I guess.

Sadly, he was unsuccessful.

But as always, he didn't let any of it get to him. I wish I could be more like him.

Silence

...the boy is napping in his room...
...the dogs are sunbathing in the back yard...
...the TV's off...
...the iPod is charging...
...my phone is silent...

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This is my life, most of the time now. My mom told me last week that she was worried about me and the monotony that seems to be so present in this new life. I told her not to worry about it and the truth is that although there are days like today, a holiday, when I wish that my phone would ring, I like the quiet. My childhood and young adult life was often more dramatic than I would have preferred and sometimes I think we underestimate the value of silence. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy reading or playing Suduko (I once got Joshua to play an expert level and he woke up that night with the only nightmare that I've known him to have...the number 3 was attacking him. He has since refused to ever play "that evil game" again).

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I think about generations ago who didn't have the libraries we have, the global community of the internet and even just the possibility of several letters a week...all within days of being written. I think in a way, we've gotten lazy (I use the collective we as a society, not any group in particular). We expect to be entertained all the time and at a moment's notice. It reminds of my son when he wants me to read the same book OVER and OVER again. At some point, I have to put the book down (for my own sanity) and tell him to find something else, to use his imagination and play with his cars. I love imagination, I love to daydream and I love the silence. Of course I love the silence more when my husband is sitting next to me but until he can again, I'm going to cherish the silence.

Access Denied!

Ugh...so frustrated today. I received two letters yesterday and Another today which is great (especially because they came out of order and today's clarified a few things). However, I also received the form with Joshua's official address-which by now I only needed to confirm I had read his atrocious hand writing correctly (I did); more importantly, it had his battalion's website address which I immediately went to look at. Someone, CONUS-TNOSC (whatever the heck that is) has denied me access. I've emailed "them" although I'm fairly certain "they" are an automated system so I'm not holding my breath for a response.

If anyone has experience with CONUS-TNOSC or has any advice at all, I'd appreciate a little help! I just don't know if it's an Army thing or a computer thing, or both.