Joshua's leave ends in a matter of hours and I want to throw up. First, he'll get another 4 day leave in a few weeks but he won't be able to come home and this pregnancy prevents me from being able to go to him. To make life even more fun, I had fully emotionally prepared myself (as best as one can) to deliver baby girl without him because a variety of reasons, meant he wouldn't be home but for the last three weeks, we've been told, no problem, he can be there. As with most Army things, it changed. Yesterday. Joshua called me from the Armory to let me know and there were about 3 hours where Army was a nasty four-letter word in our home because after these few hours we have left, we won't see Joshua until his R&R sometime late this fall. I'll get over it, again. I'll get back to being ok but it won't be today. It won't be tomorrow. These few days I'm taking to give myself a deployment/Murphey's-Law's-kicking-my-ass pity party. I make no apologies and I don't give a blankety blank what sort of image I'm supposed to portray. Before I was an Army wife, I thought military families were strong and proud. Maybe others are but right now, I'm not and I don't care. I'm being thrown into a situation I hate. A situation I have NO control over. And a situation that just sucks. I'll be strong next weekend. Today I'm crying. Today I'm mad. Today I'm letting my pregnancy hormones take over.
At least while the boy is asleep.
I can be strong or at least fake it for him. I can stay together while he's awake because his world's about to crash around him all over again and there's nothing I can do but hold it together while he cries and doesn't understand.
This is it...again. And I hate it.