March 29, 2011

This is it...again.

Joshua's leave ends in a matter of hours and I want to throw up. First, he'll get another 4 day leave in a few weeks but he won't be able to come home and this pregnancy prevents me from being able to go to him. To make life even more fun, I had fully emotionally prepared myself (as best as one can) to deliver baby girl without him because a variety of reasons, meant he wouldn't be home but for the last three weeks, we've been told, no problem, he can be there. As with most Army things, it changed. Yesterday. Joshua called me from the Armory to let me know and there were about 3 hours where Army was a nasty four-letter word in our home because after these few hours we have left, we won't see Joshua until his R&R sometime late this fall. I'll get over it, again. I'll get back to being ok but it won't be today. It won't be tomorrow. These few days I'm taking to give myself a deployment/Murphey's-Law's-kicking-my-ass pity party. I make no apologies and I don't give a blankety blank what sort of image I'm supposed to portray. Before I was an Army wife, I thought military families were strong and proud. Maybe others are but right now, I'm not and I don't care. I'm being thrown into a situation I hate. A situation I have NO control over. And a situation that just sucks. I'll be strong next weekend. Today I'm crying. Today I'm mad. Today I'm letting my pregnancy hormones take over.

At least while the boy is asleep.

I can be strong or at least fake it for him. I can stay together while he's awake because his world's about to crash around him all over again and there's nothing I can do but hold it together while he cries and doesn't understand.

This is it...again. And I hate it.


Milwife Mama of One said...

We're here. Let us know when we can see ya'll. We'll throw that pity party together dangit!

Misty Marie said...

Soo true! i always hear stay strong, be strong and the truth of it is somedays just suck and somedays its okay to not be strong, to cry and to be mad! We have a 16 mo old, a 4 month old and a baby due in november and have no idea if he will get to be here for it or not... This is our first deployment and I can honestly say today sucks big time and at the good bye i saw so many people holding it together and I just simply cant.. Blame the prego hormones or whatever you want to and cry all you want bc sometimes thats just want you have to do!!!