June 11, 2011

I miss me.

I'm officially at that point in the pregnancy where I'm seriously considering wearing sweats and/or yoga pants all the time...as in out in public on a regular basis. It's not something I normally would do but being 5 weeks from delivery, I'm done.

I'm so tired of being a giant hormonal-blob-of-emotional-goo. It's time that this child come out and take all the excess estrogen with her. I feel sorry for my poor husband...though maybe this is the one time deployment during pregnancy is a good thing for him. Every time he calls I end up crying about something or making him tell me something he's already told me four times before because I've forgotten. It's absurd to be this forgetful and this emotional and it's not me. I'm not a crier. Ok...I kind of am a crier but not publicly and not like this. I've never been so insecure or illogically temperamental. It's really stupid. I'll cry about nothing and the whole time I'm crying I know it's totally illogical and unnecessary to be crying over whatever in the moment caused me to cry....I'm not just talking Hallmark commercials. I found myself crying yesterday on the way home because we went to walmart and the 17 yr old check out boy flirted with me. On the one hand...it was a little gross because let's face it, in my present state, I am not anything anyone should hit on but on the other hand it was really nice because I don't get that sort of attention anymore. Joshua's deployed and I'm a big, fat pregnant chick.

I don't like being pregnant. In fact I pretty much hate it...and before I get slapped with a ton of emails/comments about how pregnancy is miraculous and I'm just totally ungrateful....bite me. I've had three miscarriages...I KNOW what a blessing having a healthy child is and how much it hurts to desperately desire nothing more than to be pregnant.

In the end, I just miss being me. I miss being able to bend over without having a contraction...I miss trimming the hedges in front of our house (the lawn guy just doesn't have my type A/perfectionist attitude about how level and full the hedges should be)...vain moment: I miss my size 2 skinny jeans...another vain moment: I miss not having stretch marks...I miss not having to worry about whether or not I'm going to pee my pants...I miss having energy and a fully working memory...I miss sushi and alcohol.

Most of all, I miss my husband and the flexibility we had to be spontaneous and free...even after the boy came along. We've never been the kind of parents who needed to be home by 7 every night or couldn't go somewhere because we had a kid. If there's something we really wanted to do, we did it...we just worked the boy into the plans. He's flexible...we've never given him the option not to be but right now, I'm the one who's a stick in the mud and I can't stand it.

I just have to keep telling myself that A-she's more than worth it and B-only 5 more weeks.