November 17, 2011

Waiting for my phone to ring...

Days like today remind me how different my life is during deployment. When Joshua's home I see everything in a different light. If I miss a call from my husband it's no big deal...sometimes (shh, don't tell Joshua) if things are chaotic with the house, kids, dog, whatever, I might even hit the ignore button when he calls. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, I'm just "too busy." Now, if I miss a call, it ruins my day...or week. 

When he's home and says he'll call but doesn't, I get annoyed and roll my eyes when he walks in the door. Now, if he says he'll call or text or email and doesn't, I worry. Hours that feels like days and days that feel like years of holding my phone and wishing it to ring. I'm terrified when someone knocks on my door. My stomach drops when I watch the news...somehow those stories come on at precisely the wrong moment. You know, the tear jerking human interest stories the local news stations love to show. It's worse when I know he's traveling or in the field. 

I don't think I'm supposed to admit any of this. There's this image of military wives as stoic and strong (and many are both) and although I try hard to keep issues of the home, at home...meaning I try not to let the day to day junk here become an issue for Joshua over there...underneath it all, I'm pathetic. I'm one Hallmark commercial away from falling apart. So, for tonight, I'm going to avoid the news, avoid Hallmark commercials and do something...anything to stay busy...thankfully, I have two kids so that shouldn't be a problem.