January 27, 2013

When Words Are Gone

If you've read my blog for any amount of time or know me in real life, you know we've suffered multiple miscarriages. More than I care to think about much less discuss very often. But even with all my own experience, or maybe in part because of it, when someone I know goes through a miscarriage of their own, I'm often left speechless and numb.

This weekend, I found out that a childhood friend whom I respect and love lost her twin girls. At seven months. 

She lives too far away to comfort her in person and to be honest, I doubt she'd want me there. I wouldn't blame her. The emotions are so raw and so diverse. Anger. Indescribable heart-ache. Bitterness. Questioning. Numbness. Guilt. There's often no room left for anyone else. Most women don't want to deal with questions of how and why, other people's grief over her loss or platitudes about how it was "meant to be."

Granted, each woman grieves in her way and some may want solitude, some a grand gathering to distract her. Some want all traces of the child gone before she comes home from the hospital, some will cling to those reminders like a lifeline. All of that will sort itself out but only prayer and the Peace that surpasses all understanding can hold a woman together when her world has fallen apart. I've experienced it. I know what it's like to be totally destroyed and let the Lord put me back together. I've had friends and family hold me with their prayers and comfort me with their silence. I knew their hearts were with me when I couldn't be with them.

If you know someone going through a miscarriage  here's some tips (in my humble opinion) of what you can do to ease their pain...

*Remember the father. So many times people forget that he's grieving too. 

*If you're not in their inner-circle, leave them alone. Certainly pray for them and send a card or token if you'd like but now is not the time to flood a woman with acquaintances.

*If you are a part of their inner-circle, find out what they want. Talk to the father or mother of the mother. Do they want a group of people to be at their bedside, just a couple or even no one at all? Do they want to come home to the baby stuff or need it removed?

*Drop off food. It's so easy to forget to eat or not have the ability to cook when your grief doesn't allow you to think straight.

*Take your cues from the couple. Be there when they want you, go away when they want to be alone.

*Don't tell them that it's God's plan. Even if you believe it. Even if you know they believe it. Now is not the time.

*Just pray.


Jen said...

My heart breaks for your friend. :( Sending lots of prayers.

Michelle Clark (AKA Miss Banana Pants) said...

This is an excellent post with some very helpful advice from someone who's been through it. Thanks for sharing. It's so hard sometimes to know what to do, especially for someone who has never been in that place. Praying comfort, peace, and restoration for them!