When I get dehydrated, overly hungry, eat too much sugar or any of about a dozen other triggers, I have palpitations. A simple head cold like what I assume I'm experiencing now can bring it all on. I have what's called SVT...or super ventricular tachycardia. Sexy, right?! In a nutshell, the electrical current is messed up and my heart skips beats, it also speeds up and pumps before it actually has a chance to fill with blood...which hurts. It's not so debilitating that I have to go to the hospital...not normally at least. There are tricks to reverse the tachycardia and ways to avoid defribulation. It's not generally considered a life-threatening condition in and of itself. It is a giant pain in the butt when I'm pregnant (which of course I'm not) but more than anything on deployment days like today, it makes me miss my husband.
He doesn't baby me when I have "an episode." He doesn't ignore me either. He knows what will make it better and he knows that I hate it. I hate being weak. I hate being broken. But most of all I hate that I did it to myself. I don't talk about it much because it's literally my heart and it's difficult to admit. I damaged my heart by not eating. Anorexia. It's not a word I like to use because it congers up images of bony, damaged girls. I'm healthy now...well, apart from my heart. I eat. I love to eat. I still don't always see myself the way I should but it doesn't stop me from making healthy choices. It's just another thing that's easier when Joshua's home. Really everything is easier. I'm more myself when I'm with him. I'm more confident. I can relax. Ironically, one of the tips my cardiologists have repeated over the years is to meditate and relax as much as possible because stress only aggravates the condition. I try but honestly, I won't fully be able to relax until he's home. He's my best friend. He makes my heart skip a beat in a good way and I miss him.
So, today, while everyone is enjoying their chocolates (and other caffeinated, overly sugary yummy stupid things that I can't have-no bitterness really) and holding their husbands, I'm holding my breath (vagal maneuver) and waiting for mine to return. A year from now I hope I remember today. I hope I remember how lucky I will be to eat chocolate and hold Joshua.