September 18, 2011


Joshua's R&R is close. Like REALLY close. It's been the most surreal couple of weeks in Florida with family. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is a blessing to spend time with my grandmother, GG when I've spent a little too much time with her. So far, I'm a horrible wife (I didn't know my husband's jacket measurements by heart) and a terrible mother (A-I'm a bad influence-I crossed the street from the fabric store to the parking lot without staying totally within the crosswalk lines and B-she's convinced that I should be bottle feeding because "you can't tell how much the baby gets" by nursing which somehow equals I'm starving my daughter to daughter who, btw, is 80th percentile in length and 78th percentile in weight).

The boy seems to be enjoying his time with the family, although tonight he told me he misses his bed. I miss my bed too. I also really miss not sharing a room with a 3 yr old boy but it's a small price to pay in the end to have a little extra support.

With R&R coming up, I've been overwhelmed with emotions. It's weird but then again, what of this deployment has been anything but overwhelming. I'm excited, obviously, but it's a different sort of's a sick-to-my-stomach-wish-it-would-just-get-here excitement. I'm also a little afraid...I'm afraid the Army will screw up and the dates will get bumped...I'm afraid it will go too fast...I'm afraid my son won't be able to handle saying goodbye again...I'm afraid I'll fall apart when it's over...I'm afraid it won't be enough. I miss my husband more than I ever imagined possible.

You know how as a mom when your whole family gets sick...hubby, kids, somehow even the dog but you hold it together, you're strong until you get them to stop throwing up and back on their feet and only then do you fall apart and end up with the worst of it? That's how I feel now. I feel like I've struggled and faked the strong Army wife thing for so long and I've succeeded...our daughter was born safe and sound and our son is managing the deployment like a champ but I'm done. I haven't seen my husband, in person, in over six months. This tiny respite is beyond necessary. Joshua needs to meet our daughter, the boy needs to be thrown and wrestled and I need my husband to hold me...and now I'm crying...again. I'm so tired of being overly emotional. 

Deployment sucks.


JG said...

I was just thinking last night, who would've thought when we met 8 years ago *yes, 8 years. wow.* that you would be there I and would be here and we would be doing THIS?

I'm sorry. It sucks. I hope he gets there soon.

Misty Marie said...

i love how honest your blogs are! I have several in my head but cant seem to get them out in fear of offending someone or sounding crazy but this blog says it all... deployment sucks and i totally am with you on all those emotions! You are a rock star mom and doing great! i pray nothing messes up your r&r and that you guys have an amazing time!!!