June 24, 2011


My world shifted just enough to throw me into the chasm of my first real deployment breakdown. I've cried before. I've felt sick to my stomach and been angry but nothing compares to the meltdown that I experienced last night. Granted, being 9 months pregnant REALLY doesn't help the situation but yesterday was a turning point in this whole thing. Joshua's been gone for four months...training stateside but still gone. At midnight, that changed. He's not just training anymore. I believe (mostly because I physically cannot bring myself to not believe) that he will be safe. He will come home...it feels like it will be forever but I know he'll come home. But everything is different. Putting aside the danger aspect...an aspect I like to put aside ("denial isn't always a bad thing"...that's the way my psychologist put it because sometimes we have to compartmentalize...we have to protect our minds and our hearts)....everything is still different. I can't compartmentalize away the fact that communication is going to be drastically different. Drastically less. And then there's "Army Joshua." Over the last four months I've come to know "Army Joshua" and speak to him sometimes more than my Joshua. "Army Joshua" is harder. He has to be. On a logical level, I want him to be "Army Joshua" while he's away. I want him to be strong so he can be safe. But on a selfish level, I can't live solely in logic for over a year...especially pregnant/nursing. I want my Joshua. I want him home. I want this to all be over and in a lot of ways, it's just really beginning now.

I'm sure the fact that the boy turned 3 years old yesterday didn't help. I'm a mom. Other than an Army Wife...there's not much else that describes me. Don't get me wrong, I'm a friend, a sister, a daughter...a major fan of all things Disney and photography but at my core...wife and mom. My son has been 1000 miles away from me for almost a week now. It was something I knew Joshua needed and something the boy needed but I didn't realize how much missing the boy's birthday would affect me. It's odd because the birthday in and of itself wasn't a big deal...I think the combination of the fact that my baby boy is now 3 years old, my husband has transitioned into a new stage in the deployment and I'm going to have a daughter in about three weeks was just more than I could handle for one day. I should have made plans with friends. I should have known it would be difficult but I didn't. I wanted to be home so I could talk with both of my boys if/when they could.

In a word, yesterday was bad. I cried so hard and so much that I started to contract. I tried to stop it. I tried to  control myself and drink some water but there came a moment (warning...this is definitely an over share but it happened) when I had to stop because I wasn't sure if I had peed my pants (again) or if my water had broken. It's funny now and it was just what I needed to sober me up and make me get control but at the time it was just another thing to deal with.

That was yesterday. I think today will be better.


Dea said...

Sweetness :( That's a rough day! and a difficult year to come. I'm praying for you!