Emotional Rollercoaster

I've been absent from the blogging world this last week because it's been such an emotional time. I had every intention of writing a small but, at least to me, meaningful Memorial Day post but to be honest, I didn't have it in me. The men Joshua served with who died on his deployment and their families are never forgotten. They're always in my prayers and although I would have liked to pay homage to them again here, I just couldn't.

There's been so much pain. Good friends who are literally picking up the pieces of their lives after the Moore tornado. Also, a fellow former-nanny friend of mine found out the family she used to work for lost their son in an accident. So much overwhelming grief. Please keep them all in your prayers.

But there's also been joy. My step-brother (the one I like the most-shh, don't tell the others) got married on Saturday to a woman he loves with all his heart-what more could a sister (even just a step-sister) ask for?! And thankfully Joshua, whose Guard unit was called up to provide perimeter security for Moore (and in their "down time" chose instead of sleeping like they probably should have, to run supplies back and forth to the affected areas) was able to leave early to join us at the wedding.

(my step-brother Blain, his new bride and my new neices!-I can't wait to spoil them...'S'-the one on the right had to cover her sweet eyes for the kiss)

After the wedding on Saturday, Joshua and I came home and left the kiddos with Grandma and Grandpa. We picked up the kids yesterday and managed to hang out with family friends in town from Houston. It was just was what I needed to recharge. 

Today.

Normally I'm not a fan of just whining blog posts but yeah, basically this is just going to be a big ol' vent about today because today kicked my butt.

Today...

I had my annual lady exam...that's always fun.

I found out I'm anemic. Again.

I tried to take a nap...failed.

The boy broke a window. I knew it was only a matter of time but really I thought he'd be a little older than three and a half. Thankfully, it was our window and so I don't have to pay for someone else's window AND bake something as an apology for my crazy child. In his defense, it wasn't malicious and I'm actually pretty impressed with his engineering abilities but that's a pretty long story in and of itself. Anyway, I bought some plastic and tape and did the best I could to "fix" it until I either have someone come and replace it or Joshua comes home and does it himself. Thankfully it was just a smaller window in an alcove in his room that faces the backyard.

The girl was running a low grade fever all day and not napping...whether from a vaccine yesterday or teething I have no idea (please no emails or comments on the merits or evils of vaccines...we've made our choices and we respect yours whatever they are).

After hours of low grade fever/no napping delirium, I decided to give the girl a little tylenol. I opened it in the kitchen, measured the correct amount and since the boy was napping upstairs, I left the bottle open and unattended to take it to the girl. On my way back to the kitchen to clean up and put the medicine away, I stopped at the bathroom which apparently gave our dog just enough time to knock the bottle over and lick up what I estimate to be about a tablespoon of children's tylenol. 

Called the vet...for the second time this week...a couple days ago he ate almost my entire box of Tagalong Girl Scout cookies...it's a miracle he's still alive today because they're my favorites and they were my last box. He'll also survive the tylenol and the vet said he didn't need to see him which is good because I'm pretty sure if I had to take the dog into the vet today after everything else, I would have had a total breakdown. 

Yeah. So, venting session over. Thanks for listening. Next post will be much less whiny I promise.

Blog Interrupted

I planned on resuming my weekly Disney blog post today but alas, the flu has invaded our home and I didn't write this week's post ahead of time as I had intended so if anyone out there was looking forward to today's post, I apologize. I'll be back with the weekly Disney post next week...Disney World In The Rain-what you can do at Disney World when fun in the sun isn't an option. 

Here's hoping the kids and I will be able to return to the land of the living again soon. 

PS>sorry Joshua for the phone call last night. I didn't mean to be a total grinch...actually I was something else but it ends in "ch" too. We miss and love you to the moon and back.

Waiting for my phone to ring...

Days like today remind me how different my life is during deployment. When Joshua's home I see everything in a different light. If I miss a call from my husband it's no big deal...sometimes (shh, don't tell Joshua) if things are chaotic with the house, kids, dog, whatever, I might even hit the ignore button when he calls. It's not that I don't want to talk to him, I'm just "too busy." Now, if I miss a call, it ruins my day...or week. 

When he's home and says he'll call but doesn't, I get annoyed and roll my eyes when he walks in the door. Now, if he says he'll call or text or email and doesn't, I worry. Hours that feels like days and days that feel like years of holding my phone and wishing it to ring. I'm terrified when someone knocks on my door. My stomach drops when I watch the news...somehow those stories come on at precisely the wrong moment. You know, the tear jerking human interest stories the local news stations love to show. It's worse when I know he's traveling or in the field. 

I don't think I'm supposed to admit any of this. There's this image of military wives as stoic and strong (and many are both) and although I try hard to keep issues of the home, at home...meaning I try not to let the day to day junk here become an issue for Joshua over there...underneath it all, I'm pathetic. I'm one Hallmark commercial away from falling apart. So, for tonight, I'm going to avoid the news, avoid Hallmark commercials and do something...anything to stay busy...thankfully, I have two kids so that shouldn't be a problem.

I'm done.

It's been 5 months. I've learned more about myself, my husband, my children and my marriage than ever before this deployment and now I'm done.

I don't want to hear my son cry for his Daddy to come home. I don't want to be a single mom of a newborn who nurses every two hours 24 hours a day (yeah...went to the pediatrician yesterday and the Princess grew two and a half inches in two weeks...no wonder I'm feeling drained). I want my son to stop being spoiled by his Grandma and Nana...new gifts every week...sometimes every day and it's getting uncontrollable. He was misbehaving the other day pretty bad so I made him throw away one of his prized dinosaur toys...30 mins later he informed me that Grandma would buy him a new one.

I want my husband home. In a weird way, I keep expecting him to walk through the door just because I want him to. I'm not delusional, I know he won't be home for months...many, many months but I guess I'm just selfish. I've pretty much always managed to get what I really wanted until now. There's not enough work or manipulation or begging or praying or anything that will change the fact that he's still deployed and I'm still home with our kids.

On a happy/potentially dangerous-to-the-budget note, my Aunt (aka Nana), my cousin and her two kids will be in town for a long weekend and it's tax-free weekend for our state so let the shopping begin.

Three Months

Deployment crystallizes everything.

People you once thought would be there for you no matter what suddenly disappear. All the "bless your heart" (which in my opinion is just a southern kind way of saying you're screwed) and the "let me know if you need anything" meaningless statements abound but real support is rare. And cherished.

It's been nearly three months. There's still 9-12 months to go...we don't have a come home date and even if we did, I wouldn't post it.

In the last three months, I can honestly count on a single hand how many people really care. It doesn't seem like anyone actually gets it (outside my military friends) but there are a few amazing civilian families who know they don't get it but try. They call...or email...it's not even what they say or how long they're able to listen to me (usually either vent or just connect to someone other than my 2 yr old). It's that they know it's an impossibly difficult situation and they don't pull away that means the most.

I can't say how grateful I am that Joshua joined the military AFTER we were married. Granted, it's been a strange/difficult/testing transition but while he was at basic and AIT, I learned what it meant to be without my husband for months because of the military. I discovered that as a Guard family, with almost all civilian friends, I would be alone for any future deployments. It's a discovery which at the time shocked me and was so hard. I didn't understand why couples didn't want me anymore...I didn't understand why my girlfriends pulled away...I didn't understand why sometimes they would compare their lives to mine (like their husband's business trip or being a single mom). My husband's not just gone for a couple weeks...I'm not single and free to live my life as such. I'm stuck in what feels like another dimension altogether. I'm frozen in time, waiting for my life to resume. People with whom I once felt I had so much in common with, I see now as almost diametrically opposed. With basic and AIT, I became angry and built walls.

How can these people who claim to love me and my son, abandon me? ...that's all I felt for the longest time and to be honest, I feel it again now on deployment but I'm learning to just accept that they don't get it. They can't and I can't expect them to act as though they do.

That said, it has been nearly three months. Three months. And I'm isolated. I'm alone most of the time and days can go by without a phone call or email from anyone other than Joshua or my family. It's heartbreaking. My son isn't school-aged, doesn't attend a mother's day out, I'm very pregnant and we live in the country. My friends almost all have spouses and children of their own. Factors which I understand all contribute to the isolation but the heartbreak comes from having friends who vowed to be more present. To stand with me. But haven't.

It's hard not to become bitter. To not build walls again. I don't know if I'll be able to keep from becoming the bitter shrew I suspect I could be but I'm trying and I think that's all I can do...well, that and therapy...sometimes retail, sometimes the real thing.

It's My Deployment and I'll Cry If I Want To...

...or eat junk food at an unbelievable rate

....or throw myself a mini-pity party when my husband's not watching

...or buy myself a totally indulgent overly priced "deployment gift"

...or return to blogging

...most-likely it'll be some sort of combination of all of the above.

I suppose an explanation of my absence would only be appropriate. Joshua...the hubs...returned from training and we spent a couple weeks pretty much ignoring the world and hanging out with the boy. Then, we went on vacation to our favorite spot, Walt Disney World and finally we visited some of our favorite friends in Georgia. Shortly thereafter, we found out that I am pregnant. Normally all these things would be great subjects to blog about and I probably should have blogged about everything but the pregnancy. The truth is all I wanted to blog about was the pregnancy but I couldn't...well, I could have technically but I couldn't go through posting "I'M PREGNANT" to the world just to have to post that I'm not a few weeks later which has been my history. This is my 5th pregnancy...but it will, hopefully be our 2nd child. Even after reaching the 2nd trimester, I was hesitant to announce the pregnancy publicly because recently two very dear friends lost their own babies well into the 2nd trimester. It really messed with my mind which is why I was so relieved that Joshua wasn't scheduled to deploy until well into my 3rd trimester.

Well...at least that was the plan until the Army decided to change Joshua's team assignment which has bumped up his deployment about 2 months earlier than initially expected.

Oh yay.

The only consolation I have is that because my pregnancy is "high risk" I'm scheduled to get my first 3D/4D ultrasound before Joshua leaves and we'll get to see the gender for the first time together.

For the record, I'm hoping for a boy because we're set for another boy. He'd sleep in our room until he'd be big enough to take the second bed in "the boy's" room. By the way, if it's another boy, I've decided that for blogging purposes instead of "the boy" and "the boy part deux," it'll be "the heir" and "the spare." It's just so much easier. The boy was born in June, we saved all his clothes and #2 is due in July so the only clothes I would need to buy would be fun little additions to the wardrobe. If it's a girl, we're in trouble...not just because I would MUCH rather deal with a broken bone than a broken heart but because I have grand plans for the 3rd bedroom...think Parisian. I picture white wainscoting, a giant mural of the Eiffel Tower, little white French Poodle accents and a chandelier. Joshua wisely didn't say anything when I told him of my grand plans. He just kind of got a glazed over "oh my" look in his eyes. My guess is that he was estimating all the labor and money he may be about to drop...especially since we will literally have a matter of days to do everything after finding out the gender.

So, there it is. I'm back to blogging and about to need it more than ever before.

My Secret

My friends seem to know me as a fairly blunt (but I would hope tactful) type A, outgoing, slightly scatter-brained, confidant woman but the truth is I'm terribly insecure and completely afraid of confrontation. So, there it is, my secret. I don't even like telling the waitress when my food is bad, I make Joshua do it for me. I'm sure I'm not the only one but this little adventure known as the military has forced me to do things that are so far outside of my comfort zone, they scare me. I hate it. I hate that Joshua's not here. I hate that when stuff comes up, I'm the only one who can deal with it because I'm the only adult home. I found myself hiding in the bathroom crying this morning because I didn't want the boy to see me. I love my traditional marriage. I love that my husband takes care of me. I miss it.

Ok. Pitty party over. I have to go deal with two car dealerships and O'rileys now. Ugh.