Lists

To say that I have a "Type A" personality would be a massive understatement. My mom has told me (and I vaguely recall) that when I was a child and had to stay home from school either because of illness or just a school holiday, I would write out my schedule which in and of itself isn't that surprising but the thing is, I did so before I knew how to write. I would take my chicken scratches to my mom and explain that I would be waking up at 7am, quickly followed by getting dressed...I had the whole day mapped out. Not much has changed in the last 20-some odd years except now my lists are color-coded and on much cuter stationary. I have 2 dry erase boards in my kitchen, a magnetic notepad on the fridge, and there's always a notepad in my purse/diaper bag. There are two more pads next to the computer, one on the cocktail table in our living room and finally one on the nightstand on my side of the bed. I never thought my love affair with lists could get much worse and then Joshua left for BCT. Now, I keep an on-going list of what I really want to talk to him about for whenever the next phone call may happen-I started that after the first 10 second call. I also keep a list of what I want to write him about...the fun, cute things the boy does, the annoying things the dogs do and the things I'm looking forward to doing together when he's home again. Don't get me wrong, I write him every day but I've discovered that if I don't write it down in the moment, no matter how quickly I get to his letter, I end up forgetting something. I recognize that my lists are all just a not-so-subconscious way of controlling the situation even when the situation isn't really in my control. So many times over the last month and a half, I've felt out of control...not a feeling that sits well with me but I'm learning, slowly, to adjust. I'm learning to let go and try not to stress.